Welcome to the newest installment of Blog for a Beer on this lovely Fantasy Friday. Every week we offer up a bloggy prompt and invite you to discuss and debate the topic. The comments will close at 11:59PM Pacific time Saturday and, if we have at least 10 participants, we’ll award $10 in beer (or sundae, if you’re a minor) money to the most interesting or entertaining contributor after that. Close out the weekend in style!
This week’s prompt is a short one from editor K. Tempest Bradford:
Sci-Fi Original Movies We Love To Hate
You all may have noticed that we’ve started posting movie reviews lately. Only two so far, but there are more coming. Mostly because the Sci-Fi channel can’t seem to stop itself from making hilariously bad movies. As long as they keep churning them out, we’ll be there to spork them. (Actually, Genevieve will. I’m staying out of it. One viewing of AZTEC REX was enough to keep me from lifting up that rock again for another long while.)
If you missed the first two reviews, you should check them out. The Ring Of The Nibelungs was pretty bad, but the aforementioned AZTEC REX was on a whole ‘nother level. Can’t wait to see what Sci-Fi comes out with next. Maybe an SF retelling of A Raisin In The Sun starring Filipino actors who producers swear are just as black as Cicily Tyson and Sidney Poitier.
The thing that gets me is that people do watch these movies, not just us. They watch them a LOT. There are ratings and everything. Do folks watch because they know the movies will be hilariously bad? Are there drinking games? Or is it just because you need something mindless on in the background while you do something else? These questions need answers, and only our dear readers can provide them.
Do you watch Sci-Fi channel movies? Which are your favorites? Which are the best of the worst? Any that scarred your brain forever (Mr. Stich, I am looking at you)? What should they do next?
Share your thoughts in the comments below. Remember, the discussion ends on Saturday at 11:59PM PST.
1 • Adam Rakunas said:
May 30th, 2008 at 10:35 am, permalink
I’ve only watched one from start to finish because a friend was in it. It was the one with an Evil Corporate Stooge who was tapping the earth’s mantle for energy…in Manhattan (which, shock and surprise, looked a lot like Vancouver). My friend played the world-weary geologist who was brought in after a subway tunnel with filled with lava-hot steam…God, it hurts just remembering this flick.
But SciFi will keep churning these things out because they’re profitable as hell. What we see on the tube in the States gets released in theaters worldwide and brings in the cash. The future will be filled with “Chupacabra vs. Mansquito vs. Sasquatch,” and it won’t be pretty.
2 • Lynne said:
May 30th, 2008 at 1:29 pm, permalink
I’ve watched. Sort of. I mean I had the TV on and I made it through the first 10 maybe 15 minutes before I had to go clean the kitchen.
I watched because the movie starred an actor I like and I figured how bad could it be? There isn’t a definition of bad that’s bad enough to explain how bad it was. The movie: Megasnake. The actor: Michael Shanks. The plot: no clue–I was scrubbing the kitchen floor at the time. (I think it had something to do with a um… snake.) Even the dulcet tones of that man’s voice wasn’t enough to make it worth listening to because he had some weird… accent?
Oh, if only there had been drinking games.
As for what’s next, maybe SciFi will make a movie that takes a little intelligence to watch. Or a brain of any kind. Or maybe they’ll supply the beer.
On the upside, my kitchen’s really clean.
Lynne
3 • Randy Henderson said:
May 30th, 2008 at 2:21 pm, permalink
I think the quality of the SCI FI films is generally in line with the quality (and fan-held sacredness) of the source material.
Their Dune movies were pretty good. Earthsea wasn’t horrible. Riverworld wasn’t great, pretty boring really, but wasn’t Z-grade schlock.
But last I checked, the epic novel AZTEC REX wasn’t up for a Nebula award, nor does it have a core of fans who would pelt SCI FI with angry fan letters if they screwed it up.
Classical fantasy seems to be an exception to this rule. Works like Ring of the Nebilungs, or The Odyssey, for example, seem to suffer from the lack of a living author (or author’s estate) who could slap SCI FI upside the head for horribly mangling their beloved classic.
More importantly, in their mind, quality fiction no doubt costs more to produce.
They surely paid a sizable amount of money for the film rights to, say, Dune, so of course they would want to get their money’s worth.
Whereas Ring and Odyssey are public domain, and you just have to pay some hack the union minimum to churn out a script.
Or they can pay minimal money for a “script” like AZTEC REX, which is no doubt tweaked to H-E-doublehockeysticks by a bunch of producers who want more sex and action, and then shoot it wherever is cheapest, and heck, they can recycle the costumes from the local high-school production of Pocahontas.
4 • Randy Henderson said:
May 30th, 2008 at 2:55 pm, permalink
“SCI FI Saturday: The most dangerous night of television!”
You can say that again.
Many people have, in fact, tried to play drinking games with these movies, and the results have been tragic.
What these funsters failed to consider was that, at the same time the alcohol was killing off a handful of brain cells, the SCI-FI movie was, in almost fact, killing off entire sections of their brain.
The combination has proven quite dangerous indeed.
Although actual data does not exist, my guesstimate (based on three rolls of a 20-sided die) are that at least 37 percent of people who attempted this toxic combination have gone into various levels of brain-deadednes (a technical term derived from the latin roots “brain” and “deadedness,” which loosely translated means “one who is like unto a zombie college student faced with a surprise history exam the morning after a killer party”).
Rumor is that the government is attempting to enforce health and quality controls on SCI FI movies in the interest of public safety, but none of the agencies who might be assigned with such a task – the FCC, the FDA, the DEA, and other acronyms – can agree on who has jurisdiction (as their leaders are all rabid fans of the shows).
5 • Oh Sci-Fi Channel Movies at K. Tempest Bradford said:
May 30th, 2008 at 3:45 pm, permalink
[...] Today @ Fantasy we’re talking about Sci-Fi Channel movies and why we watch them (or why we stay away). Inspired by Genevieve’s brave forays into the living room to watch these crazy things, I thought it would make for fun discussion. Plus we can talk about AZTEC REX and all that is wrong with it. Join us as we laugh at the likes of Mansquito, Mr. Stich, and pre-spork the movie Genevieve just found out is coming on soon. I’ll give you a hint: She’s a model, he’s an elite commando. They’re going to solve global warming — by destroying the aliens who are causing it! [...]
6 • K. Tempest Bradford said:
May 30th, 2008 at 3:46 pm, permalink
Dudes, Genevieve pointed this out to me:
http://www.scifi.com/heatstroke/
“She’s a model, he’s an elite commando. They’re going to solve global warming — by destroying the aliens who are causing it!”
These movies spork themselves…
7 • Lisa Mantchev said:
May 30th, 2008 at 3:57 pm, permalink
Although technically a miniseries, Tin Man was something that elicited both applause and groans. DeeGee in the Oh-Zee? Super-corseted Bad Lady Azkadellia? *eyestab* And yet the retellings of other characters (Alan Cumming as Glitch and Richard Dreyfuss as the wizard, just to name two) were fabulous. If only the main plot arc hadn’t been so lame.
8 • Jackie said:
May 30th, 2008 at 4:57 pm, permalink
I will fess up to watching many of Sci-Fi’s self-made “dangerous movies.” Having a cocktail or two around does help if only to up the hilarity factor.
Here’s the thing: I love bad movies. Cast of thousands? The body count is going to be high and the dialog excruciatingly bad. Bad movies are an art form in and of themselves. And yet, there’s something about the earnestness of the Sci-Fi offerings that makes makes me want to say, “Stop trying so damned hard.”
I endured “Warbirds” only by the skin of my teeth. On one hand, I was excited: when’s the last time you saw any movie that involved the WASPS in WWII? So thumbs up for that. Unfortunately, it was thumbs down for the rest of the movie. I sat there thinking, “It can’t get worse.” It did. Then I found myself wishing that all the men would get eaten so the women, who showed a ton of sense and didn’t scream that much, would live. I wanted the male lead, Brian Krause, to get eaten by a pterodactyl so badly I could taste it.
Post #1 in my LJ about it:
Dear Warbirds on Sci-Fi -
Please, please, PLEASE let the male lead get eaten. Preferably before the end of film.
Thank you kindly. J.
Post #2 in my LJ:
EEEE!
The Skipper (Max) and Betsy survive to the end of Warbirds! Yay! And Betsy insists that they name the plane after their fallen friend.
J.
(and to my happy joy, the male lead finally bit the bullet)
9 • Clint Harris said:
May 30th, 2008 at 5:13 pm, permalink
I can’t even begin to describe how much I loathe SciFi Original movies. But I’m not going to let that stop me. MWHAHAHAHAHA!
No, seriously. They are bad. They are the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse. They are the latest frontman of Van Halen. They are that dubious looking desert at a Furr’s Cafeteria. You know, the one we all sheepishly bring to the table, surrounded by other bits of food to disguise it. Sure, you are “vacuuming” sure, you are “doing taxes” or “cleaning house” or “Getting real drunk.” Bull! You are watchin’ SciFi Originals!!! Stephen Baldwin! Jeremy-and-or-Jason London. And any number of fiesty, barely literate starlets who somehow possess a PhD in some sort of research that immediately puts them in the path of the latest biological/arcane/biblical/laughable/CGI terror to strike the planet.
That’s right, keep the last channel on your remote on something heady, like the DaVinci Code Revealed or the Girls Next Door so you can toggle away from these crap-fests to something less embarassing whenever someone else walks into the room. If your batteries are low, be prepared to illicit that head-shake and say “I can’t believe they actually make this crap! The dog could make a better movie.”
You know you love it.
Honestly, I don’t think I’ve sat through 1/10th of these movies without finding something better to do. Compared to some of you, I’m out of my league. Dark Kingdom stunk on ice (excepting Alicia Witt, rrraoowww!). Tin Man was terrible. Usually I love Zooey Dashanell, I think Alan Cumming is the bomb (when he’s not shilling his sexually ambivalent fragrance), and even the guy that played Buck Compton in “Band of Brothers” was okay….fine. I could continue, but really, doing so would be as effective as kicking a puppy. Negativity is like Vegemite. A little bit goes a long, long, long way.
I will say this, sometimes SciFi gets it RIGHT! Go watch “The Lost Room” or “Dune” and “Children of Dune”. There is always Battlestar Galactica. Best. Damn. Show. Ever. And dig on Ghost Hunters and Destination Truth.
The cream of the crop is indeed good stuff. I can only imagine it is that good because the rest of the crap is used as a tax shelter to get more money for BSG.
So enjoy “Pyranas: Fish of FIRE!” It’s filling the budget for Battlestar. It’s allowing great actors like James McAvoy into to our living rooms without the Kiera Knightly damage. It’s allowing us to believe in ourselves as writers, because if we were stoned on kid’s cough medicine, we could still write a better show than what SciFi usually produces.
10 • Nora said:
May 30th, 2008 at 5:19 pm, permalink
I have literally chosen to floss my teeth, swat mosquitoes (not MANsquitoes), and trim my cat’s claws rather than watch SciFi Channel original movies.
11 • Michael Gordon said:
May 30th, 2008 at 5:51 pm, permalink
*sigh* They cancel The Dresden Files and play Megasnake instead.
12 • domynoe said:
May 30th, 2008 at 6:24 pm, permalink
What Nora and Michael said. Really, if they wouldn’t put so little money into dozens of second rate movies, maybe they could AFFORD shows like SG-1 and the Dresden Files. Instead, they’d rather claim these are too expensive and keep putting out trashy movies that only “prove” SFF doesn’t deserve awards because 9 times out of 10 they suck dirt. WHY does SciFi want to play into the idea that most SFF movies are junk? I just don’t get it. We’ve seen they can be fantastic, so why do this to the genre?
Depresses the hell out of me that on a night when there’s nothing to watch, I can’t even pick up a good spec fic movie because SciFi refuses to make them.
13 • AmyCat said:
May 30th, 2008 at 7:36 pm, permalink
Like Lynne, I watched “Mega-F*ckin’- Awful-Snake” because it had Michael Shanks in it, there was nothing else on but re-runs, and I wanted something mindless while I waited for webpages to load when doing an online book order.
Lynne’s right: drinking games help a LOT (until you succumbed to alcohol poisoning!). Some of us online were bouncing around suggestions for The Bad SciFi Channel Movie Drinking Game (though putting both “Bad” and “SciFi Channel Movie” in the Drinking Game title is probably redundant ). Some of the suggestions:
“Skanky bitch who’s trying to steal The Hero from The Hero’s Girl becomes Monster Chow: take a drink.
“Redneck Bully who’s trying to steal The Hero’s Girl from The Hero becomes munchies for MotW (Monster Of The Week): take a gulp.”
“Stoner Duude who thinks MotW’s a drug-induced hallucination gets chomped: drain the glass.”
…and so on…
I ended up referring to all the characters by titles like “Skanky Bitch” and “Stupid Screaming Snake-Bait Momma” ’cause I couldn’t be bothered to keep track of their names.
Oh, another Drinking Game rule:
“Bit players are obviously ‘dubbed’ ’cause they aren’t speaking English: take a sip.” (For some reason, “MegaSnake” was filmed in Roumania or Bulgaria or someplace cheap like that, though for purposes of Michael Shanks’ credits, it was a U.S. production; IIRC he took the part to maintain his SAG membership requirements or some such. Anyway, this meant that the “Rednecks” were actually yakking in some Eastern European dialect, and you can see discontinuities between their mouth movements and the dialog.)
Other than the unintended humor and Drinking Game inebriation, the only good thing about this piece of drek is that an actor I like made some money from it.
14 • Willow Fagan said:
May 31st, 2008 at 12:09 am, permalink
Yeah, there were some cool things about Tin Man but the awful things–”Let’s put our prisoners in a hanging cage with a large hole in the bottom of it so they can just leap up when it’s plot appropriate”–proved to be so awful that I couldn’t continue to watch it.
I was pretty amazed that they got Alan Cumming and Richard Dreyfuss to be in that miniseries…
15 • gordsellar said:
May 31st, 2008 at 6:15 am, permalink
Yeah, there are many things I miss, living in South Korea. Decent soft cheeses. A little variety in the fresh produce section. As-yet undiscovered English-language used bookstores. Decent bread in a hundred mile radius.
SCIFI channel movies are not among the thing I miss. I can’t remember what channel they got aired on in Canada — maybe it was Space Channel or something? — but I’ve rarely encountered one worth the time it was consuming. I mean, life’s only so short, and then you’re dead, right?
16 • catrambo said:
May 31st, 2008 at 11:37 am, permalink
I also thought The Lost Room was terrific and watch BG pretty regularly. I liked “Tin Man” more after reading Genevieve’s recaps.
17 • n.d. said:
May 31st, 2008 at 12:57 pm, permalink
SciFi Saturday Survival Tip #1: Must Enjoy Cheese.
I watch them to make fun of how bad they are. I watch them to yell at the characters as they make the same mistakes every horror movie character has made in every horror movie ever.
Every Saturday at 9pm, I settle in to watch two hours of crap, and every so often I’m pleasantly surprised by a decent production (or one that realizes what it is and makes fun of itself ala “Army of Darkness”).
The only thing I really feel guilty about is all the scary racism. I mean, the lake monster swims directly under the boat full of white people so that it can get to (and eat) the boat full of Native Americans? Really? All the white guys get taken over by aliens and are cured, but the black guy has to be shot? How is it that this does not strike anyone involved as problematic?
But yeah, the crappier they are, the more hope I have that one day my joke SciFi Original, “Attack of the Angry Mutant Squirrels”, could possibly happen.
18 • Randy Henderson said:
May 31st, 2008 at 3:05 pm, permalink
On one hand, I agree with Nora, Michael and everyone that SCI FI’s continual production of craptacular features only adds to the “cheesy” and shallow image of science fiction many non-fans have.
Can I just say how much it sucks that they killed the Datlow-edited SCI-FICTION (SCI FI’s own online print-fiction section). Not only because it is one less source of quality fiction, but because they had a wealth of material pouring in just waiting to be made into films, or at the least a weekly “Outer Limits” type series. And they couldn’t seem to put two and two together.
Or apparently they didn’t feel they were getting their money’s worth, supporting quality fiction. Better to further undermine the genre with their Saturday turdfests.
But of course this is all an academic argument. It is really all just about the money, not the future and integrity of the genre.
And it’s frustrating. Because you don’t have to spend a lot of money to make good sci-fi or fantasy. You could make a 12 Monkeys, or Highlander (the first movie), or K-Pax, or Gattica, or even Donnie Darko with virtually zero CGI effects and minimal set and costume needs. Heck, with special-effects re-use, you could even produce Andromeda and SG-1 type movies every week for cheap. Put your budget into the script and see what happens.
19 • Randy Henderson said:
May 31st, 2008 at 3:07 pm, permalink
PS – Most people who watch and enjoy these movies (and not just to laugh at them), are watching them because they’ve already seen the Chuck Norris film on TBS six hundred times, and they are looking for a good mindless action flick with hot chicks and explosions. But to play devil’s advocate, perhaps a few of them, sucked into these cheesy films by their desire for hot models blowin’ shite up with big guns, will stick around and become interested in the more quality genre fiction and media.
20 • Randy Henderson said:
May 31st, 2008 at 3:15 pm, permalink
Here’s a little game (drinking is optional).
Below are a few SCI FI Original Movie descriptions. Some of them are real. Others I just made up. Can you guess which are which?
(Note: The descriptions of the movies provided by the likes of scifi.com or Netflix cannot capture the incredible level of cultural insensitivity, historical inaccuracy, disregard for actual science, horrible acting, and home-computer quality effects of these films. No words truly could.)
1. AZTEC REX: The Aztecs summoned a Tyrannosaurus Rex to keep Cortes (Ian Ziering from ‘90210′) and his army out of Mexico. Now they need the Conquistadors’ help to stop the T-Rex from killing them all – and to save the beautiful Aztec princess (played by sexy Nepalese actress Dichen Lachman).
2. Night of the Three-Eyed Cyclops: When archeologist Zip Steel uncovers an ancient Greek pyramid, he finds he’s found the find of a lifetime. But when the pyramid’s guardian awakens, it will be one dark and stormy night for Zip and the beautiful belly dancer-turned-translator Jenny Jenson. Can they survive long enough to find the heart of the pyramid’s maze, and gain the power of Pluto’s Diadem?
3. Earthstorm: When an asteroid slams into the moon, cataclysmic aftereffects threaten to destroy Earth. Scientists call on demolitions expert John Redding (Stephen Baldwin) to save the day. Dirk Benedict and Anna Silk co-star.
4. Dragons of Elsinore: Hamlet must pretend to be insane, as he plots against the sorcerer whose dragon killed Hamlet’s father and now holds the tropical kingdom of Denmark hostage! Co-stars Bambi Honeywell as Ifeelia.
5. Manticore: In the midst of Operation Iraqi Freedom, a tough U.S. Army squad is sent to a small Iraqi town to locate a missing news crew. What they find is the manticore, a mythic beast unleashed by a terrorist leader to protect the land from unwanted invaders. A lion with dragon’s wings and a scorpion’s tail, the manticore will give these soldiers the fight of their lives in this explosive film.
6. Prawn Storm!: Model-turned-singer Cindy Shazam and her bodyguard, a grizzled ex-Navy Seal with a dark secret, are stranded in a small village when their tour bus breaks down – just as a swarm of giant mutant prawns attacks! Featuring the music of Paris Hilton.
7. ADAM REX! Stalwart priest Father Dirk Studwell and exotic dancer-turned-Sunday school teacher Pamela Sweetings stumble across a gay conspiracy meeting, where couples plot to engage in monogamous lifelong relationships. But before they can stop the conspiracy they are sent back 6,000 years to Earth’s creation! With the help of early historical figures Samson and George Washington, can they stop a T-Rex from destroying the tropical garden of Eden and return to the present to set things extremely right?!
8. Dog Soldiers: A squad of British soldiers, training in an isolated Scottish glen, find lycanthropic action under a full moon. It’s werewolves vs. hardware — and more than that, it’s a gritty, naturalistic drama with relentless action and a band-of-brothers poignancy. An ensemble cast led by charismatic Brit tough-guy actors Sean Pertwee (Event Horizon, Soldier) plus “can’t-take-your-eyes-off-her” newcomer Emma Cleasby, fleshes out a taut tale of blood ‘n’ guts — in both meanings of the term.
9. Mantiwhore: In the midst of a violent vice crackdown in Los Angeles, jaded cowboy-turned-cop Jake Stone (Biff Bradley) searches for his stepsister-turned-prostitute, Shaniqua. What he finds is the mantiwhore, a mythic beast unleashed by a pimp (Tyrell Black) to punish his hos and kill nosy cops. A hot-momma lioness with dragon’s wings, a scorpion’s tail, and one hell of a body, the mantiwhore will test Jake’s courage, and force him to explore animal feelings he thought buried on the farm long, long ago.
10. Frankenfish: Medical investigator Sam Rivers is assigned to investigate murders in the Louisiana swamps. Together with beautiful biologist Mary Callahan, they soon come face to face with genetically engineered Chinese snake-heads! Between Rivers and the wealthy hunter who owns the creatures, can they catch the one that got away, or will it catch them?!
11. Alien Flood: When a comet hits the moon sending it crashing into Mexico, a giant tidal wave of illegal immigrants threatens to sweep across the southern United States. Scientists call on general contractor Tex Nails to save the day. Can he and his rag tag crew of plumbers, framers, and concrete layers build a giant wall in time to stop the flood of hard-working aliens?
12. Crimson Force: An earth crew lands on Mars in search of the ultimate power source hidden somewhere beneath the ground. What they find is a civil war between the High Priest of Mars, and the High Priestess. The crew is split apart over which side to take – can they come together in time to stop the sexy High Priestess’s secret plans to invade earth?
13. Back in Black: Muslim leader Malcom X (played by New Zealand soap star Tawera Roa) travels back to Charleston in the age of slavery to battle the true source of slavery – aliens who brainwashed the poor white slave owners into thinking slavery was cool. But he must first overcome the surprising resistance, and the heart, of beautiful dancer-turned-slave Harriet Tubman (Asian pop-star Asumi Kobayashi). Can he help the poor plantation owners in time? (Post-Production Note: “We recognize that some viewers may be offended by this film, but we assure you that we meant no offense to you, the descendents of former slave owners. Our intent was to provide an ironic example of how a Muslim extremist might have saved freedom in America – thus helping to bridge the gap between Americans and them Arab people.”)
14. Heatstroke: She’s a model, he’s an elite commando. They’re going to solve global warming — by destroying the aliens who are causing it!
15. Terra Sharka: When beautiful women are found dead and half-naked in their homes from apparent shark attacks, Oceanologist-turned-detective Gunn Rockwell must figure out what is killing them, and how it is getting into their homes without any sign of forced entry. Co-stars Chevy Chase.
16. The Phantomly Menacing: Two space knights must stop the efforts of a large Asian alien (“Asiens” for short) trade competitor with offensive mock-”Oriental” accents, who are trying to overthrow the power and sanctity of a democratic government. Will both the knights and the Asiens succumb to the dark manipulations of a dark lord using a dark force, or will hero Bar-Bar Jinks (played by Carrot Top) save the day with his whacky antics? Starring Christopher Lambert as the Space Knight, and Stephen Baldwin as his apprentice.
(Answer – actual SFOMs are: 1,3,5,8,10,12,14. No, really. Frankefish. And the term “can’t-take-your-eyes-off-her newcomer” was taken directly from the scifi.com site movie description. Honestly.)
21 • Christie said:
May 31st, 2008 at 5:02 pm, permalink
My suggestion for SciFi Saturday would be to replace drinks with a slap in the face every time someone looks into the camera with a horrified expression or gets bitten/eaten or says OMG!
Sometimes the B factor suckers me in, I’ll admit. These productions remind me of that Stephen King movie, The Langoliers–anyone remember that? OMG! (Slaps self in the face.) I cannot change the channel when it comes on, no matter how much I want to. Sometimes, watching really bad movies makes me kinda happy to be alive.
I would like to see more SciFi movies like Children of Dune, which I actually own. I would never shell out money for a normal SciFi production. But, probably, as long SciFi gets good viewership with the stinkers, I don’t imagine they’ll be in much of a hurry to bother with actually, you know, making them good.
I’m in no position to complain. I’ve got my BSG, my Dr. Who, and my gobsmackingly bad movie night.
22 • Christie said:
May 31st, 2008 at 5:28 pm, permalink
Nice list, Randy! Still laughing from “Mantiwhore” and “Prawns!”
Going for the Scotch now.
23 • K. Tempest Bradford said:
June 1st, 2008 at 7:57 am, permalink
Time to announce the winner! And though we had many entertaining entries, Randy’s “Guess Which Of These is Real” list definitely tickled us the most. Congrats!
I’ve read though them all and could only identify Mantiwhore as being fake. Before these past few weeks, i would have said they were all fake, but after the description of “heatstroke” or whatever, I can longer rely on “frakking absurd” as a guideline.