I’ve read though them all and could only identify Mantiwhore as being fake. Before these past few weeks, i would have said they were all fake, but after the description of “heatstroke” or whatever, I can longer rely on “frakking absurd” as a guideline.

Going for the Scotch now.

Sometimes the B factor suckers me in, I’ll admit. These productions remind me of that Stephen King movie, The Langoliers–anyone remember that? OMG! (Slaps self in the face.) I cannot change the channel when it comes on, no matter how much I want to. Sometimes, watching really bad movies makes me kinda happy to be alive.

I would like to see more SciFi movies like Children of Dune, which I actually own. I would never shell out money for a normal SciFi production. But, probably, as long SciFi gets good viewership with the stinkers, I don’t imagine they’ll be in much of a hurry to bother with actually, you know, making them good.

I’m in no position to complain. I’ve got my BSG, my Dr. Who, and my gobsmackingly bad movie night.

Below are a few SCI FI Original Movie descriptions. Some of them are real. Others I just made up. Can you guess which are which?

(Note: The descriptions of the movies provided by the likes of scifi.com or Netflix cannot capture the incredible level of cultural insensitivity, historical inaccuracy, disregard for actual science, horrible acting, and home-computer quality effects of these films. No words truly could.)

1. AZTEC REX: The Aztecs summoned a Tyrannosaurus Rex to keep Cortes (Ian Ziering from ’90210′) and his army out of Mexico. Now they need the Conquistadors’ help to stop the T-Rex from killing them all – and to save the beautiful Aztec princess (played by sexy Nepalese actress Dichen Lachman).

2. Night of the Three-Eyed Cyclops: When archeologist Zip Steel uncovers an ancient Greek pyramid, he finds he’s found the find of a lifetime. But when the pyramid’s guardian awakens, it will be one dark and stormy night for Zip and the beautiful belly dancer-turned-translator Jenny Jenson. Can they survive long enough to find the heart of the pyramid’s maze, and gain the power of Pluto’s Diadem?

3. Earthstorm: When an asteroid slams into the moon, cataclysmic aftereffects threaten to destroy Earth. Scientists call on demolitions expert John Redding (Stephen Baldwin) to save the day. Dirk Benedict and Anna Silk co-star.

4. Dragons of Elsinore: Hamlet must pretend to be insane, as he plots against the sorcerer whose dragon killed Hamlet’s father and now holds the tropical kingdom of Denmark hostage! Co-stars Bambi Honeywell as Ifeelia.

5. Manticore: In the midst of Operation Iraqi Freedom, a tough U.S. Army squad is sent to a small Iraqi town to locate a missing news crew. What they find is the manticore, a mythic beast unleashed by a terrorist leader to protect the land from unwanted invaders. A lion with dragon’s wings and a scorpion’s tail, the manticore will give these soldiers the fight of their lives in this explosive film.

6. Prawn Storm!: Model-turned-singer Cindy Shazam and her bodyguard, a grizzled ex-Navy Seal with a dark secret, are stranded in a small village when their tour bus breaks down – just as a swarm of giant mutant prawns attacks! Featuring the music of Paris Hilton.

7. ADAM REX! Stalwart priest Father Dirk Studwell and exotic dancer-turned-Sunday school teacher Pamela Sweetings stumble across a gay conspiracy meeting, where couples plot to engage in monogamous lifelong relationships. But before they can stop the conspiracy they are sent back 6,000 years to Earth’s creation! With the help of early historical figures Samson and George Washington, can they stop a T-Rex from destroying the tropical garden of Eden and return to the present to set things extremely right?!

8. Dog Soldiers: A squad of British soldiers, training in an isolated Scottish glen, find lycanthropic action under a full moon. It’s werewolves vs. hardware — and more than that, it’s a gritty, naturalistic drama with relentless action and a band-of-brothers poignancy. An ensemble cast led by charismatic Brit tough-guy actors Sean Pertwee (Event Horizon, Soldier) plus “can’t-take-your-eyes-off-her” newcomer Emma Cleasby, fleshes out a taut tale of blood ‘n’ guts — in both meanings of the term.

9. Mantiwhore: In the midst of a violent vice crackdown in Los Angeles, jaded cowboy-turned-cop Jake Stone (Biff Bradley) searches for his stepsister-turned-prostitute, Shaniqua. What he finds is the mantiwhore, a mythic beast unleashed by a pimp (Tyrell Black) to punish his hos and kill nosy cops. A hot-momma lioness with dragon’s wings, a scorpion’s tail, and one hell of a body, the mantiwhore will test Jake’s courage, and force him to explore animal feelings he thought buried on the farm long, long ago.

10. Frankenfish: Medical investigator Sam Rivers is assigned to investigate murders in the Louisiana swamps. Together with beautiful biologist Mary Callahan, they soon come face to face with genetically engineered Chinese snake-heads! Between Rivers and the wealthy hunter who owns the creatures, can they catch the one that got away, or will it catch them?!

11. Alien Flood: When a comet hits the moon sending it crashing into Mexico, a giant tidal wave of illegal immigrants threatens to sweep across the southern United States. Scientists call on general contractor Tex Nails to save the day. Can he and his rag tag crew of plumbers, framers, and concrete layers build a giant wall in time to stop the flood of hard-working aliens?

12. Crimson Force: An earth crew lands on Mars in search of the ultimate power source hidden somewhere beneath the ground. What they find is a civil war between the High Priest of Mars, and the High Priestess. The crew is split apart over which side to take – can they come together in time to stop the sexy High Priestess’s secret plans to invade earth?

13. Back in Black: Muslim leader Malcom X (played by New Zealand soap star Tawera Roa) travels back to Charleston in the age of slavery to battle the true source of slavery – aliens who brainwashed the poor white slave owners into thinking slavery was cool. But he must first overcome the surprising resistance, and the heart, of beautiful dancer-turned-slave Harriet Tubman (Asian pop-star Asumi Kobayashi). Can he help the poor plantation owners in time? (Post-Production Note: “We recognize that some viewers may be offended by this film, but we assure you that we meant no offense to you, the descendents of former slave owners. Our intent was to provide an ironic example of how a Muslim extremist might have saved freedom in America – thus helping to bridge the gap between Americans and them Arab people.”)

14. Heatstroke: She’s a model, he’s an elite commando. They’re going to solve global warming — by destroying the aliens who are causing it!

15. Terra Sharka: When beautiful women are found dead and half-naked in their homes from apparent shark attacks, Oceanologist-turned-detective Gunn Rockwell must figure out what is killing them, and how it is getting into their homes without any sign of forced entry. Co-stars Chevy Chase.

16. The Phantomly Menacing: Two space knights must stop the efforts of a large Asian alien (“Asiens” for short) trade competitor with offensive mock-”Oriental” accents, who are trying to overthrow the power and sanctity of a democratic government. Will both the knights and the Asiens succumb to the dark manipulations of a dark lord using a dark force, or will hero Bar-Bar Jinks (played by Carrot Top) save the day with his whacky antics? Starring Christopher Lambert as the Space Knight, and Stephen Baldwin as his apprentice.

(Answer – actual SFOMs are: 1,3,5,8,10,12,14. No, really. Frankefish. And the term “can’t-take-your-eyes-off-her newcomer” was taken directly from the scifi.com site movie description. Honestly.)

Can I just say how much it sucks that they killed the Datlow-edited SCI-FICTION (SCI FI’s own online print-fiction section). Not only because it is one less source of quality fiction, but because they had a wealth of material pouring in just waiting to be made into films, or at the least a weekly “Outer Limits” type series. And they couldn’t seem to put two and two together.

Or apparently they didn’t feel they were getting their money’s worth, supporting quality fiction. Better to further undermine the genre with their Saturday turdfests.

But of course this is all an academic argument. It is really all just about the money, not the future and integrity of the genre.

And it’s frustrating. Because you don’t have to spend a lot of money to make good sci-fi or fantasy. You could make a 12 Monkeys, or Highlander (the first movie), or K-Pax, or Gattica, or even Donnie Darko with virtually zero CGI effects and minimal set and costume needs. Heck, with special-effects re-use, you could even produce Andromeda and SG-1 type movies every week for cheap. Put your budget into the script and see what happens.

SCIFI channel movies are not among the thing I miss. I can’t remember what channel they got aired on in Canada — maybe it was Space Channel or something? — but I’ve rarely encountered one worth the time it was consuming. I mean, life’s only so short, and then you’re dead, right?

I was pretty amazed that they got Alan Cumming and Richard Dreyfuss to be in that miniseries…