No Objectivity: 10 Fantasy Movies That Ruined It for the Rest of Us
Genevieve Valentine
There’s an elite class of fantasy movie that presents beautiful and unknown worlds, captivating characters, and compelling stories that touch on what it means to be human.
Unfortunately, you’ll never get people to watch them, because they saw one of the ten fantasy movies that ruined it for the rest of us. If they’ve seen three or more of the movies on this list they’ve probably sworn off fantasy for life, and deep in your heart you know you can’t blame them.
Since 1978 these movies have been sneaking into the cinema lexicon like internet slang into the Oxford English Dictionary. Each lives on as the punch line of bad-movie jokes; each one is guilty of perpetuating fantasy stereotypes, mangling its source material, or generally sucking.
1. Willow (1988) (IMDB | Wikipedia)
Franjean: I stole the baby from you, Daikini! While you were taking a peepee!
Admit it, you cringed. This fourth-rate Lord of the Rings knockoff followed diminutive farmer Willow Ufgood — who’s not a Hobbit, okay?! He’s a Daikini! Damn, stop jumping to conclusions — who finds a magical ring baby and has to go on a quest with some of his friends to return the ring baby before evil finds them all! On the way they run into an American swordsman, two badly blue-screened brownies, Scarlett O’Hara and that super-phallic two-headed monster that scarred a generation of kids.
Sadly, given all of that, Willow is perhaps most memorable for its unironic use of Val Kilmer as a medieval hero. In a movie that featured magical babies, talking goats, and bird poop, that’s saying something.
2. The Lord of the Rings (1978) (IMDB | Wikipedia)
Legolas Greenleaf: What a people you dwarves are for hiding things! You say ‘Speak, friend, and enter’, yet no word in any language will open the door.
Lord of the Rings was a genre-defying literary success. This animated train wreck single-handedly knocked it into the provenance of dorm-dwelling nerdwads, who were the only fans loyal enough to watch potato-faced hobbits and warriors in fuzzy miniskirts join forces with Galadriel (modeled after a praying mantis) and a Samwise Gamgee who delivers all his lines like he’s moments away from calling for George to look after his rabbits. The breakneck pace did nothing to actually propel the story forward, and the characters seemed to be melting under the pressure. Literally.
If you saw this movie, I can only hope you were stoned. The good news is, even if you weren’t, after about half an hour it felt like you were.
3. Heavy Metal (1981) (IMDB | Wikipedia)
Harry Canyon: Ah, kiss my ass!
Hooker: I will for twenty bucks.
Speaking of animated train wrecks, remember when fantasy was poorly-plotted, misogynist wish-fulfillment porn designed to appeal to sexually-repressed social outcasts? Yeah, me too.
4. The Golden Compass (2007) (IMDB | Wikipedia)
Lee Scoresby: Are you gonna join in the turkey shoot?
It sounded like a great idea: with the CGI technology available to make believable talking animals, and a Harry Potter-reading audience eager to devour other fantasy, the time was ripe for an adaptation of Philip Pullman’s sweeping fantasy trilogy. Unfortunately, trying to pack a pound of plot into a four-ounce movie means there was a lot of CGI and not much of Pullman’s character-focused humanist philosophy. Cutting it down meant that fans of the books were left asking, “What happened to that scene?” and casual viewers asking only, “What?”
After this movie’s lackluster box office, the studio has stalled on a sequel, which is a shame for anyone who expected a resolution to the cliffhanger ending. (Try the books!)
5. Excalibur (1981) (IMDB | Wikipedia)
Merlin: STAND BACK! ["O Fortuna"]
This bombastic King Arthur adaptation blew its wad on casting every up-and-coming British actor it could get its hands on, including Helen Mirren, Gabriel Byrne, Liam Neeson, Corin Redgrave, and Patrick Stewart. This meant they could only afford one piece of music (”O Fortuna“) and played it every three minutes for two hours.
Not that anyone noticed much of anything over the shouting; everyone in Excalibur had “Talks loudly and forcefully” delivered in their character notes, and the constant ear-shattering dialogue drained dramatic moments and the audience’s patience. It also did no favors to the choppy script, which tried to make the movie into both classic cinema and historical soap opera and failed at both, cementing this story as untranslatable to modern audiences. A recent adaptation featuring a belt-clad Kiera Knightley has done nothing to dispel this idea.
6. The Craft (1996) (IMDB | Wikipedia)
Nancy: You know, in the old days, if a witch betrayed her coven, they would kill her.
If Excalibur proved that translating fantasy from its original setting is impossible, The Craft proves that making a compelling fantasy for the modern age is just as fraught. This movie starring four witchy young women (and their short plaid skirts) was less worried about the fantasy elements of dark magic then it was in the fantasy of catfights set to alt-rock background music. Any movie where a girl begs dark spirits to make another girl’s hair fall out is an instant classic, you know?
The movie is so Goth-lite that it feels like it was directed by the assistant manager of a Hot Topic, right up to the leitmotif that girls who seek power are horrible dark witches who deserve to be committed to the psych ward. Nice one!
Wiccans everywhere still burn sage to cleanse their TVs every time this airs.
7. Somewhere in Time (1980) (IMDB | Wikipedia)
Elise McKenna: There is so much to say… I cannot find the words. Except for these: ‘I love you.’
Time travel was manly enough for H.G. Wells, and dammit, it’s manly enough for Christopher Reeve!
…Right?
A soft-focus romance with five minutes of plot in a hundred minutes of sap and a climactic twist that involves a penny, Somewhere in Time is a slight but serviceable movie whose biggest claim to fame is the following it inspired. The International Network of Somewhere In Time Enthusiasts (INSITE) holds annual conventions in the movie’s Grand Hotel and includes in its mission statement a delightfully cult-y mandate to “to inform members about all aspects of it and enhance their appreciation of it”. And nothing says “accessible fantasy audience” like a fan club with a mandate!
8. Labyrinth (1986) (IMDB | Wikipedia)
Jareth: You remind me of the babe.
Goblin: What babe?
Jareth: The babe with the power.
Goblin: What power?
Jareth: The power of voodoo.
Goblin: Who do?
Jareth: You do.
Goblin: Do what?
Jareth: Remind me of the babe.
This movie, an attempt to revive the old-fashioned Through the Looking Glass-style fantasy adventures, hoped to unite a fanciful coming-of-age story with the sort of magic that only a trilling chorus of goblin puppets can provide. However, one questionable decision after another (I’m looking at you, David Bowie’s tights!) meant that the movie ended up as the tale of a Mary Sue who is totally misunderstood by her parents, God! and ends up ripping the heads off furry marionettes in the middle of a sexual awakening.
This is another movie that’s less famous for its mediocre musical numbers than for its fans’ slavish devotion to puffy-sleeve ball gowns, puppet caterpillars, and the jailbait-stalky glory of David Bowie in an owl-feather cape and skintight beige leggings.
9. Eragon (2006) (IMDB | Wikipedia)
Arya: Eragon… I’m Arya, princess of Ellesmera. You’re the only one who can save me.
Just when the world was crying out for a third-rate Tolkien rip-off, Christopher Paolini appeared. And no sooner had the cry of “Return of the King is out of theaters!” than a very clever producer snapped his fingers and said, “By God, get that other trilogy out in theaters immediately! See if John Malkovich is busy.”
Turns out John Malkovich wasn’t busy. Neither were Jeremy Irons, Robery Carlyle, Rachel Weisz, or Djimon Hounsou, all of whom must have lost a hell of a hand of cards to end up in this clunker, which seems to have picked the pockets of a dozen other movies and used the scraps to piece together a Ye Olde Starr Warres, heavily sauced with Middle-Earth. It did no favors for a genre often looked down upon as derivative or obsessed with sword and sorcery, and even those who recognized the movie as a Dungeons and Dragons game gone wrong were too ashamed to go see it.
Good news, though: they’re not making the other two.
10. Twilight (2008) (IMDB | Wikipedia)
Edward Cullen: You are my life now.
Remember when fantasy was poorly-plotted, misogynist wish-fulfillment porn designed to appeal to sexually-repressed social outcasts? Yeah, me too.
1 • shewhohashope said:
October 21st, 2008 at 3:03 pm, permalink
I saw Willow and Labyrinth at a young enough age to imprint, but the others look like a pile of crap.
In the case of Twilight, a pile of crap I look forward to seeing in a theatre by next year!
2 • Scott Marlowe said:
October 21st, 2008 at 3:59 pm, permalink
Just saw The Golden Compass over the weekend. As indicated, it was way too much crammed into too short of a movie. It didn’t work at all.
Some of those others that I saw as a child I remember with fondness–Excalibur, Willow, The Lord of the Rings. Fortunately I never saw any of the others. I don’t think as an adult I’d see much in them.
3 • Amal El-Mohtar said:
October 21st, 2008 at 4:06 pm, permalink
Is it a banworthy comment to say I kinda want to go all Wayland Smith on you and make it so’s you do nothing but watch movies and write them up while chained in my basement? Is it? Um. Ne’ermind.
4 • Eugene said:
October 21st, 2008 at 4:18 pm, permalink
There is nothing wrong with Somewhere in Time!
5 • Silviamg said:
October 21st, 2008 at 4:19 pm, permalink
Hey, I loooove Labyrinth. I don’t think nowadays they would allow a middle-age rock star to prance around the stage wearing tights that cling to his body so much. I must have also been imprinted.
Btw, what about Legend? I like many of Ridley’s movies but that one was a mess. Although a loved the big horned-demon guy!
6 • Nora said:
October 21st, 2008 at 5:06 pm, permalink
Nooooo!!! I refuse to allow you to malign Labyrinth!! OK, yes, it sent the message that girls should be happy taking care of babies, and if they seek independence from this fate they’re doomed to be stalked by a skinny old guy who clearly can’t handle a woman his own age. But, but… “Dance Magic Dance” was my favoritest song EVAR. When I was 14. But still.
I was guiltily thrilled to see a manga attempt to continue the Labyrinth story recently, and the cover art gave me lovely yaoiesque adult subversion-of-stereotypes hopes. Alas, the cover artist was not the interior artist, and whoever did the story should be shot. (He turned Sarah into Velma from Scooby Doo, and completely excluded her from the story in favor of a pretty pubescent boy. Talk about misogynist wish fulfillment.)
And Silviamg — HEY!! Don’t you be talkin’ about Legend. Despite the reeking presence of Tom Cruise (which, admittedly, is hard to overlook), and Mia Sara’s atrocious acting, that movie was saved by one thing: TIM CURRY. Stick that man in any movie and it’s a classic in my book. So hands off! ^_-
7 • Pamala Knight said:
October 21st, 2008 at 5:06 pm, permalink
LOLOLOLOLOLOL!
That was a classic critique and you saved the best for last. I don’t know if I’m proud or ashamed to say that I’ve seen a great number of these. Perhaps because I continue in my Pollyanna-ish ways and hope against hope, that someday, some studio will get it right.
Thanks for the laughs.
8 • Pixelfish said:
October 21st, 2008 at 5:07 pm, permalink
Yeah, I probably imprinted on Willow and Labyrinth (and the Dark Crystal) as well. (I honestly like the James Horner soundtrack for Willow.)
Legend should definitely be on the list.
I’ve noticed there’s a certain type of movie which I enjoy watching solely for the eye-candy, and Legend falls in that category. (Although these days I find it hard to watch Tom Cruise, because he is Tom Cruise and he is always Tom Cruise.)
9 • Andrew Kaye said:
October 21st, 2008 at 5:38 pm, permalink
Genevieve, I’m sorry, but Willow and Labyrinth are too awesome to ruin anything for anyone. If anyone watched either of those movies and felt like they had lost (hold on, let me check my personal copies of those movies) 126 and 101 minutes, respectively, then I’m afraid they’re just not human.
I mean, Labyrinth has muppets. And Willow? Willow has brownies. The fun kind that become sexually attracted to cats. Those are good times.
That’s right. I’m defying your assessment.
10 • Deborah Grabien said:
October 21st, 2008 at 5:41 pm, permalink
laughing like a drain
I adore this article; of course, I started out loathing Tolkien, so I didn’t get through seven minutes of any of the series of films.
I am, however, glad you left “Ladyhawk” off this list. shows teeth
11 • Amanda said:
October 21st, 2008 at 6:12 pm, permalink
I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve seen all but 2 of those movies. I have not seen Somewhere in Time and Twilight. I was under 18 for most of those viewings. I have kids now so I had to watch Golden Compass and Eragon. And the only reason I watched the cartoon Lord of the Rings was to appease a geeky boyfriend. Still I still love fantasy and paranormal stuff, but I could see these movies ruining the genre for those on the fence. Not sure about Twilight yet. I have to admit I’ll probably watch it at some point.
Great blog.
12 • Catherine said:
October 21st, 2008 at 6:21 pm, permalink
I have to disagree with you about Willow and Labyrinth, sorry.
But I am laughing my butt off at the inclusion of Twilight. Good choice!
13 • AnnotatedLA said:
October 21st, 2008 at 6:54 pm, permalink
I totally get what you’re saying. And as much as I love Willow and Labyrinth (and Dark Crystal and Legend) they are pretty bad movies. They were awesomeness incarnate in their day, but they haven’t aged well.
Eragon was just mishandled. If you haven’t read the book it’s not that bad, or so I’ve been told.
The Craft was so bad it was great!
And Twilight…. I can’t wait for Twilight!!
14 • Jenn said:
October 21st, 2008 at 8:39 pm, permalink
Maybe you should make it a top 20 – you missed such classic cr@p as “Dungeons and Dragons”. Having played the game for many years I thought that this movie was the biggest piece of badly scripted rubbish I had ever seen. I may be roasted for this but any of the sequels to “Highlander” – when “there can be only one”, usually that means there is only one left. No cousins, no resurrected dead buddies (though I do believe that Sean Connery must have done this movie to pay the rent). I agree about Tim Curry – a wonderful actor and a great voice.
15 • Cat C. said:
October 21st, 2008 at 8:48 pm, permalink
Oh man…when I was in college, watching The Hobbit cartoon movie and being drunk or high was better than beans and franks…you seriously can’t beat that combo.
I love Tim Curry in anything (everything) too but even he couldn’t redeem The Worst Witch. Has anyone seen that movie? I think that’s what it’s called. We watched it at my friend’s Halloween party two years ago and it was probably THE biggest waste of my life. Yes, even more so than the 1,001st viewing of The Hobbit :0D
16 • Andrew Kaye said:
October 21st, 2008 at 9:42 pm, permalink
@Cat C: I’ve seen The Worst Witch. Now THAT is a hilariously awful movie. Just when you think it couldn’t get any worse, Tim Curry comes flying through the air with his enormous cape.
And then he starts singing about Halloween in front of a green screen. I’m laughing just thinking about that movie!
17 • Clint said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:15 am, permalink
Oddly enough, I actually was stoned when I first saw Lord of the Rings. Well, stoned on medication while sick in bed. My mom checked out the movie on VHS so I would have something to watch for three hours while I fought fever dreams and dry heaving. Yeah, fun stuff.
Ladyhawke itself was awesome. The terrible ’80’s synth-pop was in a category of bad all on its own. Plus, the “night” shots were just shot in the day with a dark filter.
What, no Beastmaster on the list? Rip Torn! Babies born out of milk cows? Mark Singer’s junk? Come on!!!
18 • Tablesaw said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:19 am, permalink
I’m looking at you, David Bowie’s tights!
Really, who isn’t?
19 • Clint said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:22 am, permalink
And no bustin’ on Legend. It’s Mia Sara. I sat through Time Cop just because of her?! You can’t blame me for having a creepy fannish crush. It’s Mia Sara!!!
20 • Jenna said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:45 am, permalink
Perhaps it’s my age group, but I have serious disagreement with you on many of these.
Willow was less acceptable to those who were older at the time of its release, and those with a more refined fantasy palate. I was 12, and it was right fine by me.
Labyrinth = heaven and that dress rocked! That one film spawned my love of masquerades, fashion design, hair & makeup, David Bowie, Jennifer Connelly, Toby Froud (and his artist father Brian) and the UK. (never mind that the weird CCTV thing makes me want to never set foot in Britain, and Jennifer Connelly’s revulsion for this film has made me want to not see any of her other work. but I digress.) After this film, I decided that I wanted to be a writer. I have since succeeded at that.
The Craft was entertaining at least, though I cringe in sympathy for Wiccans around the world at the misconceptions that this film provoked. The again, anyone who thinks that Wiccans are like the girls in this film (hot, young, powerful, levitating) also are probably sure that all girls’ pajama parties end up in naked pillow fights.
Can’t judge Twilight before you see it! That’s wrong! However, like you, I weep for the possibilities of how AWFUL it might be.
On Heavy Metal and the animated LOTR, I agree with you completely. However, you forgot that other sin of a Jeremy Irons film, Dungeons and Dragons. Godawful. Eragon was just his most recent and egregious violation. But I must thank you for making my day! I wasn’t aware that they were skipping the remaining Eragon movies! Hurrah! Justice in the world!
Excalibur wasn’t that bad. It’s same-era counterpart Dragonslayer was much worse. MUCH worse.
I refused to see the Golden Compass. While I doubt the film captured even a tenth of the nuances of the books, the books were too anti-religion. And me saying that is rather like a prostitute saying that Ferris Bueller’s Day Off has too much sex. I’m a walking anti-religion billboard. I’d suspect the film is enough to put most people off their lunch.
I just don’t get where Somewhere in Time figures in this group. That’s time-travel, not fantasy of the same ilk as the others. Doesn’t fit. As a substitution, I suggest Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time. Not enough bad things to say about that one.
21 • Avram said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:54 am, permalink
It is so wrong to diss Excalibur. Just think of all the great stars who got their start in that film — Gabriel Byrne, Patrick Stewart, Helen Mirren! What would you have us watch? First Knight?
Also, I think you missed some much-bigger stinkers, namely:
Dragonheart – Does it get any cheesier than this? It’s puff the magic dragon with CGI!
Red Sonja – Brigette Nielsen just can’t act in anything without Flavor Flav.
The Neverending Story – Oh, how we wished it would end.
In the Name of the King – Ok, I admit to “accidentally” renting this wreck from Netflix and watching it before I realized that it was directed by Uwe Bol. Burt Reynolds and Matthew Lillard have no place in period pieces. What’s next? Larry the Cable Guy starring in Shakespeare? If this was the first fantasy film I’d seen, I would stop right there.
Ladyhawke — Goofy central. Do you really want Rutger Hauer as your romantic lead?
Dungeons and Dragons – Nothing like the game, not even fit to carry the same name as the Saturday morning cartoon.
Supergirl – Does the “witchcraft” plot make this a fantasy film?
22 • Ian Sales said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 4:04 am, permalink
Pfft. Excalibur is a class film. You neglected to mention the two stars, Nigel Terry and Nicol Williamson, who were far from up-and-coming at the time. The film gave some much needed grit and gravitas to the Matter of Britain – unlike all those camp Prince Valiant attempts of earlier decades.
23 • J. T. Glover said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 7:36 am, permalink
Maybe half of these movies deserve to be called “bad,” but the other half don’t. This is not because they’re good, or because I am a raving Labyrinth fan, or because I was myself a kid when they came out, but because they’re aimed at children. Do we criticize Crayola crayons for not not being Dakota pastels? T-ball for not being as “real” as baseball?
Everything has its time and place. Just as fantasy readers usually cut their teeth on David Eddings or J.K. Rowling before moving on to Octavia Butler or Jeff VanderMeer, so kids enjoy Willow before they start appreciating the nuances of Pan’s Labyrinth. Complaining about The Craft or Heavy Metal is like shooting fish in a barrel for rational adults, but the people who despise fantasy? They aren’t driven away because Willow is (by adult standards) crappy. They’re constitutionally unable or unwilling to participate in fantastic make-believe. All the fantasy in the world that “presents beautiful and unknown worlds, captivating characters, and compelling stories that touch on what it means to be human” isn’t going to change that.
24 • Jesse Bullington said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:09 am, permalink
J.T.: you make a good point, but I did not come here for good points. I came here to rag on bad fantasy movies and get suggestions for bad fantasy movies that I have missed. Surely you could contribute something more constructive?
I submit Flight of Dragons, a Rankin-Bass cartoon that makes their Return of the King look like Peter Jackson’s RotK. It features a game designer voiced by John Ritter of “Three’s Company” infamy traveling to another dimension atop a giant flying d6. Where he turns into a dragon and has to fight James Earl Jones, aided only by several ethnic stereotypes. Amazing.
25 • Jesse Bullington said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:29 am, permalink
Avram: It was no accident when my friend and I attended a cheap-seats screening of In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale based solely on it being an Uwe Boll fantasy *cough* epic staring Burt Reynolds. We made a series of predictions before the movie started, and Boll, auteur that he is, made good on every single one. Some of the highlights of the prophecies fulfilled:
Being underwhelmed by wizardry.
Laughing uncontrollably at something intended to be tragic.
Groaning uncontrollably at something intended to be funny.
An audio flashback of bad dialog to remind the audience of something dumb.
A sepia filter used for no earthly reason other than it looked cool in Gladiator.
A fight sequence that never would have been filmed pre-Matrix.
A coward getting their due.
A noble savage and/or peasant getting their reward.
a cross class romance (extra points for “class” referring to RPG archetypes rather than social strata).
And so on. What we never could have predicted was just how goofy Ray Liotta would behave, dressed as some sort of malign mixture of both Siegfried and Roy and eating more scenery in this single film than Vincent Price munched in his entire career…
26 • Jesse Bullington said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:36 am, permalink
Anybody: Has anybody seen my tambourine?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmG80v473AI
Seriously. Anybody?
27 • Paul Jessup said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:47 am, permalink
How could not mock the sex scene at the start of Excalibur? I mean, come on! He’s still in full armor! Now, that was funny. I almost pissed myself laughing. It would’ve been better if they added in sound effects for the armor-
CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
Oh Uthur! You can be my once and future king any day!
bwahahaha
Yeah, but what about Labrynth? It’s a suck a roo as well.
Of course, there are MUCH WORSE than these. I’m looking at you, Troma Production’s Demon Sword. Or any of the Scorpion King movies.
28 • Galdrin said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:52 am, permalink
Well, I can say that I have seen 8 or the 10 movies listed above and they were definitely not what turned me away from fantasy for so many years. Imitative … formulaic … knockoffs … repetition – that’s what ruined fantasy for me, not these movies.
I have to agree with Mr. Glover above. They were what they were and given their budgets, their target audience, etc. they were hardly responsible for ruining fantasy for the rest of us. I am very well aware of what turned me off fantasy for so many years, and these movies were definitely not it.
Also – just a feeling – but I have an idea that a number of these movies are before Ms. Valentine’s time, and she certainly has something out of kilter classifying “Somewhere in Time” among these. You might just as well throw in “The Time Machine”, “The Day the Earth Stood Still”, “When Worlds Collide”, and “2001 – A Space Odyssey” as well.
My opinion, of course – your mileage may vary.
29 • Jan said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:58 am, permalink
How could you leave out Krull????
30 • Patricia said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:25 pm, permalink
I think what a lot of you are missing is that this is not “Top Ten Worst Fantasy Movies EVER” this article is about fantasy movies that “ruined it” for people who aren’t really big fantasy fans, plopped down to watch Labyrinth, and immediately turned off the movie after being subjected to David Bowie singing about slapping a baby to make him “free.” They then decided never to see another fantasy movie again.
And yes, I love Labyrinth, but it’s still a movie that has a scene about a river made out of poop.
31 • J. T. Glover said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:45 pm, permalink
*sigh*
I submit:
Conan the Destroyer, because crazed, yowling Grace Jones is bad on many levels. I love me some sword-swinging barbarian sword & sorcery, but… this one was a bridge too far. Only to be eclipsed, possibly, one day, by the bandied-about-but-never-filmed Conan III, starring Vin Diesel as Conan’s son (if I recall correctly).
Further, many of you will recognize the fantastic, in every sense of the word, in the glory that is Patrick Swayze as the post-apocalyptic swordsman Nomad.
32 • Rachel said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:03 pm, permalink
I must say one thing in defense of Willow: It’s the best acting Val Kilmer has ever done, and the ONLY role in which I find him attractive.
33 • JS Bangs said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:05 pm, permalink
Yes, but now we have sexually-repressed social outcasts who are girls. Progress!
34 • Kristi said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 1:08 pm, permalink
Clearly written by someone who has never seen Mortal Kombat, Evil Dead, or Ghost Rider.
Honey, if all you’ve got to complain about is Willow, Labrynth, and Eragon, you should get out–er, stay in–more!
35 • Randy Henderson said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:08 pm, permalink
There are of course a TON of horrible fantasy movies with scantily clad women, men in loincloths, and armor borrowed from a dozen eras. And did I mention scantily clad women?
It goes without saying that movies like The Warrior and the Sorceress with David “Kung Fu” Carradine, Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (Cream of Wheat monster!) or Deathstalker, and all of their sequels, would turn any non-fan off of Fantasy movies.
Even the best of these – The Sword and the Sorcerer (with Lee Horsley’s moustache!) was bad. Even though the sword with three blades (that shot two of those blades as missiles) was frickin awesome! How do all those amateur weapons makers at convention booths NOT sell three-bladed missile swords?!
But I understand Genevieve’s point here – some fantasy movies aren’t just awful, but were “mainstream” enough that they lured in general audience members — and then turned those members OFF of fantasy.
To all who said Dungeons and Dragons — AMEN! My GAWD that movie was awful. Two words: Marlon Wayans. And that’s just the first in a twenty page lists of “WTF?” items. You have SO MUCH material to draw from, so much potential for an awesome trilogy story arc with developing characters, and THAT’S the movie you come up with? At first, I wondered if they were trying to kill off paper and dice RPGs. But then I realized they were just trying to increase sales of blue lipstick.
Red Sonja – A martial arts master with curtain rods sticking out of his shoulders? WTF?!
Which is More Awesome: Pop-Synth Music from Ladyhawk, or Buttrock Music from Kull the Conqueror(with Kevin Sorbo)?
Conan the Destroyer – The first Conan movie inspired a wave of fantasy movies, and could have been the start of Fantasy movies as a serious cross-over general appeal genre. Conan the Destroyer put the nail in the coffin of such hopes after a couple other cheesy but maybe forgivable movies like Krull and Beastmaster.
Masters of the Universe (the He-Man movie). Dolph Lundgren. ‘Nuff said. Though one has to wonder – what would Courtney Cox say today was her most embarrassing role – A) “Julie” in this movie, B) her role in Misfits of Science, or C) her scene doing an 80’s white girl dance in a Bruce Springsteen video?
Disney managed to take a fantasy classic and boil it down to its most boring, tasteless residue in Black Cauldron.
And lets not forget superhero movies. Leonard Part 6 with Bill Cosby, anyone? I would also mention Batman and Robin and their costars, the Batnipples, but Dark Knight has (almost) managed to wash that bad memory from the collective consciousness.
And of course, SciFi isn’t much better. Battlefield Earth, for example.
36 • Randy Henderson said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:10 pm, permalink
JT – Nomad! The Swayzenator! OMG! Curse you — I had managed to block that one out.
37 • Elizabeth said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:48 pm, permalink
Eragon was a great book. I just finished the third in the series … they just did a bad job on the movie. Actually, I liked it the first time through, and caught all the things that made me shake my head in the second viewing. The Dark Crystal someone mentioned … it should never be on this list! It was a movie that shaped my childhood! And Twilight, I have read the books and liked them, so I am hoping that after seeing the movie (which is not out yet here) I will not be disappointed. Fun read, though.
38 • Silviamg said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 4:19 pm, permalink
Someone mentioned Krull. I had the poster for that movie! I’ve got to get it again. That weapon was kick ass. Too bad the rest sucked.
I wonder if they’ll ever remake any of those bad 80s fantasy movies? I heard they’re doing Red Sonja so I suppose I can look forward to Krull 3000.
39 • Cat C. said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 5:35 pm, permalink
@ Andrew and Jesse,
Honestly I think my world shifted on its axis a litte bit after watching Tim Curry sing that song in the Worst Witch. Nothing has ever seemed the same since. And I still can’t find my d*** tambourine! LOL.
40 • dianne said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 7:50 pm, permalink
Ah – Battlefield Earth. My sister and I LOVED that movie. It was freakin’ hilarious! But people kept telling us it wasn’t a comedy….
41 • Andrew Kaye said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:29 pm, permalink
@ Cat,
If you wake up in the morning wearing a bat bowtie, then we’ll know how much your world has shifted.
And the tambourine is probably in your bedsheet cape. That’s where I found mine.
42 • Cat C. said:
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:32 pm, permalink
@ Andrew,
*looks down* Oh THAT’S where it went! Thanks! Now if only I could coordinate my tambourine tapping and Electric-Slide-esque dance moves as well as he did…
If I were Tim Curry, I would have kept that bat bowtie and had it gold-plated and turned into a belt buckle, and then referenced it in all of my pick-up lines from there on out: “Hi, I noticed you were checking out my gold plated bat bowtie belt buckle. If you think THAT’S sexy, just wait til you see my king sized bedsheet cape…yes, that’s right, my mom still makes all of my wizard wear. On the days the bedsheet cape is in the laundry I have to use a bath towel. It doesn’t seem make quite the same impression on people, but at least I have the belt buckle.”
43 • Randy Henderson said:
October 23rd, 2008 at 12:20 pm, permalink
Twilight and the Beetle Love Factor
How could Twilight – a zero calorie plot that pushes the idea that a girl’s ultimate goal in life is to marry the right boy, have his child, and have him give her life meaning (how very Mormon) — be so popular? I mean, it’s like those melodramatic episodes of Buffy and Angel angst, which were hard enough to watch (and creepy – 200 year old dude and 16 year old girl? Uh, okay), but take away Buffy’s power or purpose in life.
I attribute it to the Beetle Love Factor. The Beetle Love Factor is something that afflicts many people. And what is the Beetle Love Factor, you ask?
You are watching a nature documentary about insects on PBS or Nature or some other similarly NON-Lifetime channel. About as unromantic as you can get. Yet, if they edit in a narrative of one lone underdog beetle doing a beetle dance or flashing its beetle colors or whatever, trying oh so hard to get a little beetle mate, I find myself rooting for it. When the beetle gets rejected, I feel bad for it. If it gets its mate, I go all “Dude, I’ve got something in my eye making it all watery and shite.”
A frickin’ BEETLE!
It doesn’t take much to connect with our universal feelings of wanting to love and be loved, or to be part of something larger than ourselves. Any story can do that, even one about beetles. But does that make it a GOOD story? One that redeems the time you spent watching it — time you will never, ever get refunded to spend on something else?
That’s why I’ll skip the Twilight movie, and watch Vampire Hunter D or The Hunger instead.
And then maybe throw in the Planet Earth series again. Dance, little bird of paradise, dance!
44 • Cat C. said:
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:45 pm, permalink
@ Randy,
Your beetle analogy was pretty much the highlight of my day. Thanks!
Re: the Twilight movie, I kind of want to go and see it just cos I’m sure it’s going to be hysterically bad and I’m sure that I will have plenty of snarky things to say about it afterwards. But on the other hand, I don’t want to support it at the box office and make it’s numbers go up. And then, ya know, there’s always to obvious downside of having to admit to my offspring someday that I actually saw the Twilight movie. I’m sure it will be as embarrasing as my folks admitting they went to a Sock Hop or something.
45 • Randy Henderson said:
October 23rd, 2008 at 7:46 pm, permalink
As embarassing as admitting I saw Supervan as a double-feature with Smokey and the Bandit at a drive-in as a child?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MJI1wIh2A0
There’s just so much wrong with this movie it almost makes my head explode. Or is that the van’s space engine sound?
Watch out for that pallet! The one just sitting there … by a wall! Oh NOES! He was driving a splody police car!
“I love you!” Awesome music! Lasers!
Contented sigh. This is what all movies should aspire to.
46 • Cat C. said:
October 23rd, 2008 at 9:56 pm, permalink
Wow, that was TERRIBLE!
You’re right, the space engine/Halloween/alien sound did add a certain je ne sais quoi…”Breaker, breaker, prepare for take-off!”
47 • veejane said:
October 25th, 2008 at 12:16 pm, permalink
I’m sorry, I don’t see a gloriously trashy 80s sword-and-greased pecs, some random twidget in her underwear pretending to be a huntress, throw in a magical negro sidekick for the lulz example in this whole list! Obviously the criteria are flawed.
…In fact, I vaguely recall there was one of those in which the greased-pec hero communicated telepathically with animals. I don’t remember if he had violet eyes and long russet hair, but it’s entirely possible. THOSE movies are what ruined it, I think. A fur loincloth is nobody’s friend.
(Whereas, I must add my voice to the Labyrinth defenders. Doubly so, as it’s a gateway drug to — and often boxed with — The Dark Crystal, which is exactly the sort of fantasy movie you’d like people to see.)
48 • Sub-Odeon said:
October 29th, 2008 at 3:29 am, permalink
I have to raise my hand, on “Excalibur.”
Not only does it *NOT* suck, it’s the only movie (prior to Jackson’s “Fellowship of the Ring”) which gives classic swords’n’sorcery cinema respectability.
The cast is astoundingly excellent, the cinematography beautiful (especially for pre-CGI) and Nicol Williamson still reigns supreme as the definitive and iconic Merlin.
Sure the dialogue was stage-heavy. But I see this as a feature, not a bug. “Excalibur” is Shakespearean without actually being written by Shakespeare. Full of emotional oomph and Large Themes, played to the hilt by actors who know a helluva lot more about being English than Kevin Costner or Elijah Wood.
I’m proud to say I own this film on DVD, screen it regularly, and believe it more than stands the test of time.
49 • C.L. Holland said:
October 30th, 2008 at 11:57 am, permalink
I think I also have to disagree with you on Willow and Labyrinth, but then I’m at an age to have been imprinted too. Bad blue-screening in Willow? It was the 80s!
And seriously, Legend and Hawk the Slayer were waaaay worse. As was Deathstalker (I think that’s what it’s called). In fact, most of the 80s fantasy movies were pretty bad, but at least they were making them.
But thanks for a great article – you’ve given me some more cheesy fantasy movies to add to the collection!
50 • Fantasy lover said:
October 31st, 2008 at 8:14 pm, permalink
I Love “Labyrinth”, and “Willow”, yeah they didn’t have the the kind of afects that they do now but they are still good and fun story lines, even though willow did have a little of “Lord Of The Rings” in it.
And I loved “In the Name of the king.”
Though one movie that is not good for adults is “The Poler Bear King” its okay but your kids will like it more then you.
51 • tully said:
November 12th, 2008 at 3:55 pm, permalink
Labyrinth was one of my favorite movies back in the day. years passed, and i forgot about it. then i met a girl, who had it on vhs. i begged her, to lend it to me. and i never gave it back.
52 • David A. Dezotell said:
May 9th, 2009 at 11:08 am, permalink
I’d replace Somewhere in Time, a time-travel story, with Red Sonja, which killed any hope of further Conan fantasies by letting a bratty kid take over the entire plot. But I have Ladyhawke, The Dark Crystal and Krull on VHS and still enjoy them, dispite Rick Wakeman’s synth-pop score in Ladyhawke. Phillipe the Mouse was worth it.
53 • Raelspark said:
June 17th, 2009 at 1:56 pm, permalink
Of course Genevieve Valentine can write a screenplay better than all of these films.
Her arrogance blows!
Her name is good for a pet.
54 • Fox said:
September 5th, 2009 at 5:23 pm, permalink
Interesting…however Willow turned me on to fantasy (LOVE IT), it was my first ever DVD and I raised my son on it. And the Craft rocks, maybe not the best, but it rocks.
But, to each their own.
55 • Dakota said:
September 5th, 2009 at 6:56 pm, permalink
Ripping apart two movies (Labyrinth and Excalibur) that got me IN TO the Fantasy genre is just sad. *sniffle*