You know you’re going to see it, don’t even pretend. Seventy million dollars worth of people went to see it, and if you think you can resist the tide of crazy around this movie, you have something else coming. However, it’s dangerous to go unarmed. Before you settle into the trembling darkness of a theatre overrun by 14-year-olds in their Hot Topic baby tees, you must know what they know, so you can avoid laughing in the wrong place and being immediately decapitated. (They’ll do it, too; they know how, the movie showed them.)
Here are ten things you should know about Twilight before you venture out to see it. Beyond this, there be dragons. Fare well, brave soul.
1. No, that is not a siren going off every ten minutes. That’s just the audience squealing. Unless your audience goes through simultaneous puberty during the kissing scene and their jeans catch fire, in which case it might actually be the fire alarm. Listen for exit instructions.
2. Bella’s supposed to be interesting. Yes, that interesting. Yes, she is so interesting that all the guys in school want to date her, plus the kid on the rez, and probably his dad, and she has not one, but two vampires all up in her grill for being so interesting. Yes, I know she’s not actually interesting; what do you want from me, a Master’s thesis?
3. The vampires play baseball. The kid who plays Jasper gets to smack the bat around in the one moment that actually telegraphs that vampires are supposed to be dexterous, and they all dress like a Ty Cobb challenge on Project Runway. There’s scarves and everything. It’s beautiful.
4. You will feel like the movie is six hours long. Be fair; it’s only four and a half.
5. Of course it’s okay to follow a girl around when she’s out with her friends and sneak into her room when she’s asleep to stare at her and drag her deep into the woods to tell her that if she ever provokes you you’ll probably kill her. You’re cute! What’s the problem?
6. Conversely, if you are ever surrounded by strangers and raped, it’s because you weren’t interesting or pretty enough to attract a stalker to come save you. Don’t look at me; that’s your own fault.
7. You’ll like Charlie, probably because he tries to solve a crime in the movie, while in the book he mostly watched football and was a moron. Plus, in the movie he’s got a ’stache that makes you wonder how he supplements his Police Chief income. My guess: Belt-buckle modeling.
8. You will be most entertained by the vampire family, for all the five minutes of them that ended up in the final cut. Mostly it’s just awesome high school nerds whom Bella inexplicably hates, and then four hours of lingering close-ups of Edward and Bella’s eyeball-to-forehead region as they stare at each other in bio lab or in meadows or wherever.
9. No, she’s really supposed to be interesting! No, REALLY. She’s better in the movie than in the book, if that helps. (I know it doesn’t help, I just have to point this out: in the book he spends two chapters asking her about things like her favorite color and her favorite gemstone, and it’s written like erotica, only it’s the erotica of being found super-interesting when you’re sixteen and not actually remotely interesting. I KNOW, I JUST REPORT THE NEWS.)
10. You can try, but your snark will not stop this movie. Nothing can stop this movie. This is the Optimus Prime of young adult relationship-abuse vampire romance movies. All you can do is bear witness, so you can say to the next generation: “I heard the Squee Went ‘Round the World.”
10.5. It is a chilling sound. You will never forget. You can only endure.
Title: Twilight
Release Date: Playing Nationwide
Rating: PG-13
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Screenplay: Melissa Rosenberg
Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson
1 • Samantha Chapman said:
November 26th, 2008 at 1:30 pm, permalink
snarktacular, Genevieve! I was cracking up the whole way through.
2 • Devon said:
November 26th, 2008 at 3:50 pm, permalink
I remember being a teenager. Wasn’t that long ago I swear! After reading this post it got me thinking back to that time, and remembering another “inescapable movie phenomenon” it was called Titanic. Sad thing is Hot Topic sold shirts back then that said “the boat sank, get over it.” and now they are actually endorsing the latest craze. Granted there are “Vampires” in it, but Hot Topic has lost so much of it’s edge it’s ridiculous. BTW if your curious, I still haven’t seen Titanic, and since my significant other did me the courtesy of going to see Twilight without even bringing up the idea of inviting me, it looks like I’ve dodged another bullet as well. These movies can be avoided, don’t give into the hype! Thank you for the awesome post, it was very much appreciated.
P.S. for the fans out there. If Robert is supposed to be playing a vampire that’s been around for like 80 yrs or whatever, wouldn’t that make him a pedophile? ^_^
3 • aerodynamic Kitten said:
November 26th, 2008 at 4:13 pm, permalink
Love.
4 • Clint Harris said:
November 26th, 2008 at 5:14 pm, permalink
I saw a 19 year old male wearing a “Team Jacob” shirt the other day.
If I was Don Henley, a voice inside my head would say “Don’t look back, you can never look back.” Well, I did look back, and I snickered.*
*References to Don Henley lyrics can only alienate you further from those who can appreciate movies about co-dependency and emo-exsanguination. I guess I won’t be buying my Starscream t-shirt at Hot Topic. My photo will be on their cash register as a person to act surly towards. Too bad, ’cause Starscream is bitchin’.**
**Nobody uses “bitchin’” anymore. Too bad, because this word is boss.
5 • Kasey said:
November 26th, 2008 at 7:54 pm, permalink
This article is teh awesome. ‘Nuf said.
6 • e wein said:
November 26th, 2008 at 8:33 pm, permalink
nope, not going to see it.
7 • Cat C. said:
November 26th, 2008 at 10:17 pm, permalink
I caved and watched the movie last night. I did enjoy it more than the book (not a hard feat to accomplish, but still). Watching Jacob’s dad and Bella’s dad tool around like 17 year olds was the best part, closely followed by any scene with Emmett strutting around like a frat boy on Spring Break. It kind of reminded me of watching Will and Grace, where the two main characters are so uninteresting and neurotic and annoying that you want to scream, but watching Jack, Karen, and Rosario puts you in hysterics so you suck it up and watch it anyways.
Re: laughing in the wrong places – dude, when Edward got his sparkle on in the meadow or whatever I yelled “SPARKLE-PIRE!”…and definitely got hit in the back of the head with a Milk Dud shortly thereafter. Apparently these kids don’t know anything about audience partici…pation (Rocky Horror, I love you…). I also snarfed my Sprite when Eddie fessed up to watching Bella sleep for months…I mean, you THINK it sounds stalker-y in the book but when it’s on the big screen there is no avoiding the creepiness there. Ick.
We need to make this movie like Rocky Horror with all sorts of add-on lines and props and stuff…but that would mean we’d have to watch it enough to figure out all of the little clever bits…I’m accepting volunteer applications. Your service is greatly appreciated :0D
8 • Clint said:
November 27th, 2008 at 3:31 am, permalink
Just tell me what point we bring out the toast and popcorn. I am so there.
9 • Constance said:
November 27th, 2008 at 4:20 pm, permalink
Why spend 13 dollars to see this when you guys are so much more fun to read?
Love, c.
10 • Jon P. said:
November 28th, 2008 at 4:50 am, permalink
This is the funniest article i’ve read in a long time. And thanks for the comment Cat I totally forgot about the part with bella’s dad and jacob’s dad. It somehow got overshadowed in my mind by the part when Mike is freaking the tree outside of the diner and Alice is menacingly hopping around the fire in the background when bella is dying.
oh this movie was priceless.
11 • Cat C. said:
November 28th, 2008 at 5:08 pm, permalink
Jon,
Oh I forgot about the fire scene! That was hysterical. Bella’s totally bleeding out her freesia scented blood everywhere and instead of the blood driving the vamps out of their minds, they’re obsessed with their bonfire. I guess everyone’s got a lil pyro in them somewhere…
Clint,
You bring the toast, I’ll bring the squirt guns, and we’ll bump off a 13 year old coming out of Hot Topic for the body glitter. This is gonna be great!
12 • Randy Henderson said:
November 28th, 2008 at 6:11 pm, permalink
I have an idea for a YA book. Tell me what you think:
80 year old man poses as teen on Myspace to hit on high school girls. He finds one he likes, sneaks into her house, and watches her sleep.
But he’s a vampire. So, you know, it’s sexy and romantic, not creepy.
No? Okay, okay, how about this — he looks about 22.
Not enough? Okay, well, how about if he actually goes to the high school, instead of using Myspace?
Okay, cool. I’ll call it … Dusk.
13 • Lisa said:
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:55 am, permalink
omg! I wish ppl would stop believing articles that are against “Twilight”. It is a very good movie. Its not a cheesy romantic love story. Its a SciFi movie. Vampires, Cold fog, Deadly missions. Hello……….. Get use to it. if you dont like it So What?
14 • Robbie Hates This movie said:
December 11th, 2008 at 11:14 pm, permalink
The fact that you began your sentance using the abbreviations “omg” and “ppl” leads me to the conclusion that your argument holds about as much water as a siev.
This movie is fucking abysmal. What are we getting “use to”? If you don’t like that we don’t like this steaming pile of shit so what?..
And my last point. Please, don’t even reproduce.
15 • Mandy said:
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:36 pm, permalink
Everything about this article is complete and utter fact. We can just see this horrible piece of shit for ourselves in the cinema or barrow the book from your local obsessive twitard friend (everyone has one). Its chessey smut for preteen girls, not actual romance. It is ABSOLUTLY NOT SciFi. Meyer was atemping for it to be, but its not. She uses unnecessary inaccurate biology such as vampires having an extra chromosome and storing semen to justify existence of the damphir baby, yet female vampires are infertile. This is so unnecessary and inconsistant! She might as well have said that its magic.
16 • Kellyg said:
December 27th, 2008 at 9:37 pm, permalink
@robbie – you are right on about Lisa. How freakin’ typical. OMG, OMG! Stop ppl! I loovvveee this movie!
17 • Azhdeen said:
December 27th, 2008 at 10:47 pm, permalink
Sorry didn’t read the article, I got put off by the arrogant assumption of the author that I am some teenage screaming dweeb with my brains cell just about firing. I didn’t even know about this film until it was released, on hearing a synopsis I did what I did for High School Musical (1,2 & 3); I ignored it. Next!
18 • Linda said:
December 28th, 2008 at 11:59 pm, permalink
For anybody that is older than 16? I would say this article is right.
…But I’ve seen it. My friend thought I wanted to see it cause it has vampires in it. I thought she wanted to see it cause its a romance. Once we all got together we realized this was a teen romance not a fantasy/sci-fi movie, but we had already bought the tickets.
So, this movie has been out for awhile, but for any 20 something year olds who get stuck watching this movie its not that bad if you buy something before hand and order a large sprite. Also, we went late, so no screaming teenagers.
19 • Noc said:
December 29th, 2008 at 12:13 am, permalink
im going to be slightly unbiased as i am in all things….
first off i have a like/hate(definitely not love…) with twilight…
first things first the movie was HORRIBLE, from the directing to the screenplay to the actors to the utter emotionlessness of it. Bella was boring as shit…Edward has had 90 years of acting like a human and the actor cant even muster ACTING normal….
The books were O.K. Im a huge vampire fan but lean more towards anne rices depictions.
sparkling vampires….lol….vampires are supposed to be fireballs in the sun. and yes that period is meant to be there.
the books WERE written by an amateur writer she even admits it, for an amateur writer its a very good book, once she gets around 7 or 8 books under her belt with criticism IF SHE TAKES IT, she is a very promising writer.
im a 21 year old guy and my girlfriend is a twitard and any complaints i have usually fall on deaf ears and get me sleeping on the couch so to speak….my main problem with them is the fervency of the fans
In example as i told her i was writing this she left the room saying i was boring her then came back in and said “oh my god why are you already adding to the insane…….”
in my opinion the books arent horrible but they are a good read if you like vampires and are bored..however if your looking for a life changing story youve come to the wrong place…
IE other writers i like so you all dont think im an illiterate moron:
Anne Rice
Jimmy Carter(has actually written some good books…better writer than president…)
Robert Ludlum
Robert Lumley
and probably half a library of others but im having a mind blank
in general ive read over 3,000 books and twilight makes probably top 600? somewhere in that margin, nothing special but nothing so horrendous it will make your eyes bleed
20 • Middle-of-the-road said:
December 30th, 2008 at 6:17 am, permalink
I dunno, Honestly, the books are well written and for those who enjoy that kind of reading, fine. To each their own, but the movie, which sadly, I did see, I would only watch again if I was in my own home where no one else could see me. I did find it to be. . .odd. But all the things that we question about it honestly don’t matter. Every film we do enjoy has elements you have to question, there isnt a single movie that makes you wonder why someone does what they do.
21 • Jess said:
January 1st, 2009 at 10:44 am, permalink
I also have a “like/hate” relationship with Twilight. I saw the trailer for the movie, thought it looked interesting so I read the books and then saw the film. The books were entertaining enough, but we are certainly not talking about ground-breaking fiction here. They are definitely designed to lure in the teenage girls, and I am 19 and female so I guess I fit into that category, but at least I realise I have been sucked in. Bella is so boring and normal so that anybody reading the book can project themselves onto her and then they are hooked in their own little fantasy, which brings about the obsessed squealing fans.
But everything in this article made me laugh because it is so true. The film was so intentionally funny the whole way through that I was afraid I was going to be murdered by a 14 year old girl for laughing at a “serious” part.
But hey, it was an interesting experience, and I did get a few laughs (even if most of them were not intended by the film-makers), so it wasn’t a complete waste of time.
22 • Katherine said:
January 3rd, 2009 at 6:11 am, permalink
I loved the books and HATED the move with a passion. It was long, boring, and the only person they picked who was right for their part was Jacob (they’re getting rid of him) and Mike. Also it looked like everyone was constipated especially Edward. It felt extreamly awkard was all in all just stupid. It was not worth my time (4 1/2 freekin hours!)or my money.
The book, yes, had it’s dull parts, but it all furthered the connection between the characters. Yes. Even when they were talking about her favorite color.
The reason why so many grown up and young women love this book is because they wish they could be loved the way Edward loves Bella. That he would do anything for her and cannot be without her, yet being strong and supportive. Also the ability to always say the right thing is a good tool for any man. This book just sends these things to the extreme.
One more thing, no women should be critizing Bella and her reaction to Edward. Do not deny this but when you were a teenager you wished for someone like Edward to come and sweep you away. You had day dreams that your crush would be attracted to you the way Edward is attracted to Bella. You were in complete awe over crushes/boyfriends and put them into this role that they could do no wrong and were prefection personified. Every person has done that to at LEAST one other person.If you deny this you are just lying. so stop.
P.S. I am not saying you were wishing for a Vampire to be attarcted to you because of how good your blood smelled. I am talking about Edward’s personality NOT the fact that he is a vampire. The Vampire fact just puts in a little danger into the character. this is so he is a bad boy. Edward’s character was designed to have it all so that he could reach to every girl and be their perfect guy no matter what their taste was.
stop focusing on the detials and see the bigger picture!
23 • Al. P. said:
January 14th, 2009 at 5:59 pm, permalink
“That he would do anything for her and cannot be without her, yet being strong and supportive. Also the ability to always say the right thing is a good tool for any man.”
And many women fail to realize that this kind of man is right next to them.
About the movie: I haven’t see it, nor did I read the book. I intend to watch the movie, just to have my own opinion about it.
But, 4 and 1/2 hours? Really? Oh, God.
24 • Bhav N. said:
January 16th, 2009 at 4:58 am, permalink
You forgot the GLITTERING! DO NOT LAUGH at the Vampire-Who-Twinkles-Oh-So-Prettily!
25 • Cat said:
January 18th, 2009 at 11:36 pm, permalink
Okay, so I finally watched the movie (and read three of the books – bookstore tomorrow!), and I have to say I really liked the books. She could have, maybe, not been so repetitive, and yeah she could have done better, but the chick can tell a story.
Um. I don’t remember the movie very much. I got too wrapped up in the books. Let’s just say that in the past five days I’ve read all 2300 or so pages that make up the first three books. And I almost hate it that I’ve been sucked into it.
26 • liss said:
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:50 pm, permalink
“Meyer was atemping for it to be, but its not. She uses unnecessary inaccurate biology such as vampires having an extra chromosome and storing semen to justify existence of the damphir baby, yet female vampires are infertile. This is so unnecessary and inconsistant! She might as well have said that its magic.”
take a wild guess: Meyer is…
duh duh duh
Mormon.
So of course she’s going to make a way for Bella to have a child. Since that’s a woman’s God-given duty.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie with such uninteresting main characters, that’s for sure.
27 • Jordan said:
March 21st, 2009 at 11:40 pm, permalink
I want to marry you. No homo if you are a dude. But seriously I hear what you are saying and I think if we can convert one of the squealing masses they will all be turned be turned, thats the only way that would explain the simultaneous squealing, telepathy and if we chance one of them it would trigger a system wide update, aka replicators.
28 • Evv said:
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:09 am, permalink
Ignoring the crapload of generalization goin’ on ‘ere ’bout teenagers (really, you must remember that we ARE ALL DIFFERENT. Jay-sus), this was one of the funniest articles on Twilight I’ve ever read. Admittedly, I tend to roll around happily in the oodles of Twilight-bashing going around. In fact, I’m the one girl at school famous for Twilight rants. Hmm…*must investigate further*
29 • Evv said:
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:13 am, permalink
By the way, I started squirting Coke out of my nose (ah yes, I confess, I may seem like such a nonconformist [hur, hur], but alas, this Coke was of the brown, fizzing, and slightly painful to squirt outta one’s nose variety) when Edward bared his sparkly manly breast (Shakespeare has his commendable bits) and proclaimed, “Look at me! This is the skin of a killer! A KILLER, YOU HEAR?!”
30 • Elemental said:
March 26th, 2009 at 8:35 pm, permalink
What I don’t get is…well, vampires. How amazingly dull. And the absolute goofy googly eyed girls who walk around wanting to be vampires, reading these immensely stupid books…. God help the remnants of our culture.
31 • 20 Year Old Female Nerd said:
March 29th, 2009 at 5:02 pm, permalink
I love this article. I’m really tired of the Twitards. I hate Hot Topic.. even when I was in High School. I am very proud to say I have not come within 30 feet of their store. Now.. back to Twilight. I am a fan of Laurell K. Hamilton, Chelsea Quinn Yarbro, Joss Whedon, J.R. Ward, and Bram Stoker (am not a fan of Anne Rice, but I do respect her). The problem with this movie is that teenage girls think it is so new and awesome. The broody, watching while you sleep thing was perfectly accomplished in an original form in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This movie feels like a rip-off of some of the more dramatic episodes of that series without the intended humor to make it interesting enough to watch. And as one of my friends said, “Vampires should never be more shiny than David Bowie in Labrynth.”
32 • Mia said:
April 1st, 2009 at 4:23 pm, permalink
I loved this article. It was absolutely hilarious. On the other hand, I also love Twilight. It allows me to do my three favorite things, bitch, rant and mock. Where would I be without it?
33 • Cindra said:
April 6th, 2009 at 8:56 pm, permalink
The movie was 4 1/2 hours long?? No wonder it felt like forever. The Man didn’t like the meadow part. Cheesy tweeny scene. I inhaled the books about three times now. I didn’t think they were that bad, but the first time through my gripe was that Bella was bland. She’s clingy and moans over everything. Still the concept of the vampire going in another direction from the norm was novel and Edward’s POV was slightly creepy. Well, a lot creepy.
34 • Lee Rowan said:
September 15th, 2009 at 9:52 pm, permalink
This film sounds like it would make the most inspiring Mystery Science Theater subject EVER.
But for now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM&feature=player_embedded
35 • Jennifer Thorne said:
September 16th, 2009 at 9:37 pm, permalink
LOL, Lee, I didn’t expect you would post that. I wish I had thought of it!
36 • Sarah said:
September 17th, 2009 at 6:31 pm, permalink
I watched the movies, read the books… all of them. I thought they were good. I came to this post because I thought it would be interesting. Parts of it were, but others are just sad. I like reading all kinds of books by all kinds of authors. Meyer is inexperienced, however some of the comments are stupid. there was one about female vampires being infertile. How do you know? Are you one? Ever met one? Didn’t mommy tell you, “not everything you see on TV is real.” It is a fiction book. Meyer can write about whatever she wants. It doesn’t have to fit into everyones little mold on what a vampire is supposed to look like, act like, or talk like. And for those who do not like the book, write your own before talking shit. Its not that easy. Have a little respect. And for those of you who do not like the movie, get over it. Others do. And they are not stupid, immature, or anything. They just like something. It is really sad reading all of these comments. You were once a little girl or boy who was obsessed with something. You were, don’t lie. Let them have there moment too. People wonder about young people in our society. I would rather have a bunch of over obessed tweens, than a bunch of people who criticise something they themselves could never accomplish.
37 • sivamet said:
September 20th, 2009 at 3:49 am, permalink
ok guys bring on the stones, I’ve read the Twilight series 3 times now. I live in Tacoma and acutally drove the 3 hours to Forks just to see what was going on over there. I have a sticker on my honda that states Edward prefers brunettes, my night shirt says real men sparkle. Mmhmm, I know it’s terrible. I have no excuse since I’m not a teenager, single or insane but I took it at face value and just enjoyed. Don’t be so cynical ok. So what if I make you sit and watch Twilight for 2 hours, because I assure you that it is not 4 flippin hours long. A mere average 120 minutes. You boyfriends and husbands of the world make me watch crap all the time. IE American Gangster or that horrid movie with Vin Diesel Babylon AD. The movie wasn’t fabulous I understand. Bella blinked far too much and Edward appeared more constipated then torchered but imagine you’re favorite book as a kid and having a bit of it come to life. Pretty cool right? Oh it’s not? OK, well how many of you 30 something gentelmen went and saw all the marvel comic movies, star trek, or the prequels to star wars? exactly. Be youthfull instead of cynical, it feels nice and the next day you can go back to watching Nancy Grace or whatever it is old people do.
38 • Primesbelle said:
September 22nd, 2009 at 4:07 pm, permalink
I know the books are horribly cheesy, but sometimes a girl likes a good cheesy read. I’m a fan of the books. That being said the movie is horrible.
I felt awkward just watching it. It was horrible, my eyes actually may have bled if I hadn’t been averting them out of awkwardness. Kristen Stewart was the absolute worst choice for Bella. Her manly voice gives me the creeps.
And Pattinson? Seriously girlies? He is not a god, he’s only a mildly talented actor. Who doesn’t do anything in the movie except that menacing glare from under his brows.
39 • Chelsea said:
October 16th, 2009 at 7:24 pm, permalink
Brilliant. Simply brilliant. You were right, I did see the movie and did think it was 6 hours long (thank you for clarifying the real time). Thank you, this made my day.
40 • Anne-Marie said:
October 24th, 2009 at 7:55 pm, permalink
well, i will admit , I AM a 14 year old girl , and i read the twilight saga before it was a huge phenomena, and i reallly enjoy it, (although i like just but anything with vampires in it) The movie was the worst thing ive ever seen and i laughed my heaad off through most of it and the director failed miserably.. though i am going to see the second one, mostly to make fun of it.. and i have read some of the anne rice series and it is hugely better than twilight
41 • Niki said:
November 15th, 2009 at 1:47 pm, permalink
I read the books but didn’t see the movie. I got the dvd for my birthday and it lies collecting dust with the plastic still on it. The books were good but I’ve read better. Way better. Twilight can suck my toe for all I care! Ha! Take that Stephanie Meyer!
42 • amee said:
January 8th, 2010 at 7:29 am, permalink
hey i saw the movie i like very much.. and robert also he is so good in this movie ..