From Modern Mythcraft to Magical Surrealism

My Real and Personal Zombie Fears

Zombies will always be popular to some degree, because they are the generic monster that can be made to suit whatever society is currently angsty about. Whether it is fears of radiation or the erosion of the American Dream (Night of the Living Dead), or bioengineered plagues (28 Days Later, Quarantine), loneliness (I Am Legend) or becoming a cubicle zombie (the Borg), zombies can be made to fit your fear.

So I took a brutally honest self-inventory of my own fears, and then considered how they might be made into a zombie movie.

Fear Number 1: Sponge Stink
Occasionally, you pick up a dish sponge or rag and realize it has a horrible musty smell like the farts of a 150-year-old asparagus-eating mutant skunk egg. And then you realize that the smell has transferred to your hand! Man I hate that! Now imagine if zombies didn’t eat you, but just rubbed musty sponge stink all over you. AHHHHHHh!

Fear Number 2: Big Zit On Face
What if rather than eating your face, zombies simply licked it, causing an outbreak of a gigantic pimple on your nose right before a big date or photograph opportunity? SHHUUUUDDER!

Fear Number 3: Idiots Ruling the Land
The governor of Alaska catches a media bug that turns her into a political zombie. Although her brain isn’t really functioning at normal human capacity, her words turn others with vulnerable brains into equally mindless zombies. The U.S. president, still trying to help the nation recover from the last zombie outbreak, appoints a zombie czar who convenes emergency death panels to deal with this new undead threat. But it is too little too late – the governor’s zombies and the Z Party zombies combine forces and return the land under zombie control, where they feed on the life of the nation and once again leave it a shambling corpse of its former self. YA BETCHAAAAAAAHHHH!

Fear Number 4: My Interwebs is Down
OMFG! Virtual zombies travel the internet, consuming computer brains. No firewall can stop them. Scientists are desperately working on an antivirus to kill them. But in the meantime … teh internets is ded! You are forced to call people, or visit them in person. You have to go to the library or read a book to do research. You have to ask someone for directions to their location. Civilization collapses to the horribly primitive state of the 1970s! My gawd – will disco return as well? OH NOOOOOOOOoes!

Fear Number 5: People Finding Out I’m an Alien
Which is a ridiculous fear because, you know, I am definitely not an alien. Definitely not. The very idea is so ridiculous in fact that I won’t even imagine a zombie movie for this.

Fear Number 6: Drinking Bad Milk
How does this involve zombies? All too easily. The dairy industry puts zombies on the factory lines, figuring if puss and blood from growth hormonified cows doesn’t hurt us then puss and blood from zombies can’t be any worse. But what they forget is that zombies are idiots, and don’t know how to put the proper expiration date on the cartons. So there I am, eating my Peanut Butter Capn Crunch, and realize – the milk is lumpy bumpy cat pee bad! AAAAACCKK!

Fear Number 7: Zombies
What kind of zombie movie would reflect a fear of zombies? Fast zombies attacking slow zombies attacking people? Having to choose between a mindless zombie and a raging zombie for president? Perhaps it would be something meta that explores the metaphor of zombies (in an attempt to appeal to the literary crowd who sampled Pride and Prejudice and Zombies)? I don’t really care, as long as it is not directed by Uwe Boll. BOOOOOLLLLLLLL!

Fear Number 8: Having to Perform on Stage Without Preparation
This is very much like a dream I often have. There I am at an Arcade Fire concert when zombies attack. The only thing that will stop the zombies from attacking is to rock their mutha-eatin butts off, but they’ve just eaten the lead guitarist! The drummer recognizes me and calls me up on stage. But I don’t have any pants on. And I have a test at my old high school I’m supposed to be taking. The rest of the band starts to play, the zombies turn to look at us, and whether we all live or die now relies on my rocking the guitar! That I don’t know how to play!! At all!!! Duh-duh-DUHHHHHH!!!!