Hollywood has a serious case of makeover mania, with adaptations of everything from Transformers to Wuthering Heights on the table. While studio execs are on the prowl for films to remake, I’d like to suggest some movies that could benefit from some updating, whose stories have more to tell, or who just plain deserve another chance.
1. Snow White: A Tale of Terror
A dark retelling of Snow White, getting back to the frightening roots that lurk beneath the Disneyfied fairy tales? I’m in! Sigourney Weaver as the wicked queen? Sign me up! Stars from Dawson’s Creek and Ally McBeal as the other two leads? That’s certainly…something. Exploring the darker side of fairy tales is a perfect way to tap into vampire lore without bringing in a knockoff Edward Cullen; just make sure you cast romantic leads who can act, and you’ll be all set!
Sure, it’s fun, but out of the flood of kid-friendly quests of the 1980s, this one had the most room for improvement. (Set it next to The Dark Crystal, and you’ll see what I mean.) If The Frog Princess doesn’t do as well as Disney hopes, the studio might need a 2-D movie that’s got some built-in nostalgia. Note to studio execs: cut Gurgi and half your adaptation problems are solved.
3. Dark Kingdom: The Ring of the Nibelungs
Everyone loves a good mythology epic. Just not this one. (You can’t use every myth at once and draw it out for four hours; by hour three, people are going to figure out what you’re doing!) If you throw out the director’s notes and ditch Julian Sands, you should be on the right track.
4. Unico
Unico was a unicorn who brought so much happiness wherever he went that the gods became jealous and cast him into Oblivion. It’s your usual feel-good fantasy for the kiddos! This actually isn’t a bad movie; I put it on the list just in case Miyazaki feels like doing a remake and is looking around for material. He’d be the perfect director to carry over Unico’s dual optimism and melancholy.
Sometimes one bad casting spoils the whole barrel, even though the rest of the movie is great. Sometimes the script falls flat. Then sometimes, you get Michelle Pfeiffer, Rupert Everett, Christian Bale, Anna Friel, Kevin Kline, David Strathairn and Stanley Tucci in one movie, and you give them Shakespeare to recite, and it still doesn’t come together. All you can do is try again, and hope no one notices the donkey head.
6. FernGully: The Last Rainforest
This movie was more prescient than the White House about the effects of deforestation and environmental carelessness. Unfortunately, the great message got lost in a frighteningly 90s concept and seriously questionable execution. Give this to a studio that won’t shy away from the environmental angle (Pixar?), and update the threats for a world in the clutches of global warming and ripe for a remake. (I’m not counting FernGully 2 as a remake. I’m not even counting it as a movie. It was like a tax shelter with musical numbers.)
Part of this movie’s problem was that it came out alongside The Matrix, and it’s hard to convince people that a virtual 1937 is a bigger draw than a virtual Carrie-Ann Moss in a pleather catsuit. The other part is that the plot didn’t quite hold together. Try to make the plot make sense sometime; it’s fun! However, the time has never been better for an exploration of the worth and ethics of virtual reality, so for anyone who can make this more than a holodeck episode – go for it!
Check out the trailer.
Bad news: A Wrinkle in Time is a hard book to adapt. Good news: someone already tried it, casting wildly and tossing in subpar flying-horse effects when needed, so it can certainly be done. Great news: this movie was announced with so little fanfare that it hardly counts as a remake.
9. The Bride
A Frankenstein adaptation that explored the humanity of his monster and the Doctor’s own monstrosity definitely has a place in cinema history. The subplot about Doc’s monster (eventually given the name Victor) making his way through the world is touching and well-done. Unfortunately, Jennifer Beals and Sting hurling leaden quasi-feminist party lines at each other doesn’t make for gripping cinema. Bring back Clancy Brown, and start the rest from scratch.
10. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
What, a remake could be worse?
Genevieve Valentine is a writer in New York; her fiction has appeared or is forthcoming in Strange Horizons, Farrago’s Wainscot, Diet Soap, Journal of Mythic Arts, and Fantasy. Her appetite for bad movies is insatiable, a tragedy she tracks on her blog. She is currently working on a formula to evaluate the awfulness of any given film, a scale that will be measured in Julians.
Rotten Tomatoes thought they were soooooo funny when they posted this early last April. I appreciate a prank as much as the next person, but this just seemed cruel when I figured out the date:
“Following up on their plans to reboot Marvel’s Daredevil and Fantastic Four, 20th Century Fox has plans to attempt to correct one of their past mistakes by revisiting Alan Moore’s League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. The original Alan Moore mini-series was an extremely British story, filled with hundreds of obscure references only true literary Anglophiles would recognize. Appropriately, Fox has recruited acclaimed British filmmaker and screenwriter Mike Leigh (Topsy Turvy, Happy-Go-Lucky) to make his Hollywood studio debut on the strength of his commitment to keeping all of his movies distinctly Brit. Staying loyal to the original book, there will be no Tom Sawyer this time around, with the story focusing on Moore’s original five characters. Rumored casting possibilities include Brian Cox or Sir Ian McKellen as Allan Quatermain, Naveen Andrews (Lost) or Anil Kapoor (Slumdog Millionaire) as Captain Nemo, Colin Firth as Dr. Jekyll, the voice of Alan Rickman as The Invisible Man and Rachel Weisz as Mina Murray who (like the comic) will distinctly not be portrayed as being an obvious vampire.”
Yerp on The Bride, that had some great bits at the circus, and whisky tango foxtrot on that Ring of the Nibelung–when are people going to realize that Billy Drago isn’t the poor man’s Julian Sands, Julian Sands *is* the poor man’s Julian Sands? Personally, I’m holding out for the remake/sequel Son of Krull.
I would toss “Legend” in here. Bring back Tim Curry, find somebody to play Gump who doesn’t have to be dubbed by a bad voice actor, give the rest to Ron Moore or somebody.
…And maybe keep Tangerine Dream, or find some 2000s drum-n-bass version thereof. I actually liked the music.
I would say “The Princess Bride”.
The book had an excerpt from a supposed sequel “Buttercup’s Baby”. It was probably just a joke, like S. Morgenstern’s “original”, but darn it I want to read it (and see it).
And what the heck happened to Cary Elwes anyway? He hasn’t had any major roles for a long time!
By Crom, if they could do a Conan movie without the Governator I would be over the moon…
@ Nora–hear frackin hear. The sinking feeling in my stomach when I rediscovered that flick as an adult and realized who the dude romantic lead was went all the way to the basement. Seriously? She goes for Hammy McCrazypants over a bright red Tim Curry with epic horns? Madness.
Dunno bout the music, though–John Williams, I think, did the director’s cut soundtrack which I actually preferred, but then the only Tangerine Soundtrack I’ve ever really dug was the appropriately 70′s Silent Running.
@ David–Cary Elwes was awesome in Shadow of the Vampire, and, well, doing what he could in the first Saw movie. Hmmm, I guess none of those are exactly recent…
@ Cat–There was talk of an animated Conan featuring Ron Perlman as the Cimmerian’s voice; maybe an adaptation of Red Nails?
Actually, I keep returning to “The Thirteenth Floor” and I find it a pretty excellent film. I am not surprised it got overshadowed by the Matrix, though until you brought it up, I would not have thought they came out within two months of each other! But maybe it just needs to be highlighted a bit—it was a good, solid movie. It needs to be revived in this age of Second Life.
Let’s all go rent it!
They are remaking Ferngully. Just take a look at James Cameron’s Avatar
Oh wow, I don’t remember Ring of the Nibelungs ever coming out.
I think I really want to see this now. I think the only one of these movies that I haven’t seen is Unico.
And I agree with Nora. Legend definitely needs a revival.
I would actually like to see a live action “The Last Unicorn” or maybe just a more modern animation.
The only thing Ring of the Nibelungs had going for it was Alicia Witt. And most of the time, I was wondering if she even knew she was in the same movie as the rest of them. I was surprised Uwe Boll wasn’t the director of that one.
I personally dig Legend the way it was. Non-director-cut, no Gerry Goldsmith score, pre-LooneyTunes Tom Cruise and the always alluring Mia Sara. Tim Curry had the best lines ever. These days, they’d turn him into a CGI mess. Sometimes you just cannot beat some greasepaint and some rubber prosthetic backwards legs.
@Clint I disagree with you, and probably the rest of you, that Julian Sands was the best part of Ring of the Nibelungs.
The Black Cauldron really DOES have to be remade. Actually, if whoever re-filmed it went back to the original source which was Lloyd Alexander’s Prydain Chronicles and filmed them all, that would make me happy.
Providing they didn’t turn it into a stupid cartoon.
Its a coming of age series in the best sense. It has a truly kick ass female lead in it who is strong without being a token strong female. It has a protagonist who is a reluctant hero and mostly because he is head strong and impulsive. It has comic relief in Gurgi and most of the time in Ffleuddu Flam but even he can become the King he was supposed to be.
It has magic and landscapes and tears and hardship and homeliness – just like a simpler version of LOTR.
And I LOVE those books and would SOOOO love to see them filmed.