We’ve gone from Dracula (Vlad the Impaler) to Edward (Ed the Sparkly), from Nosferatu to Sookie sucking. So where will the vampire trend go over the next 10 years? Here’s my best guess.
1. The Vampire Channel (spinoff of the Lifetime Channel) debuts on cable. Red Neck Diaries starring David Duchovny becomes an instant hit.
2. Fangee (from Pixar Studios) is number one at the box office for three weeks. The “tickle me Fangee” doll results in parking lot campouts and toy aisle fist fights for Christmas.
3. John Carpenter and Wes Craven team up to create the cheesiest, bloodiest vampire movie ever made with a bad 1980’s style heavy metal rock soundtrack. No, I mean, even worse than their last ones. The thousands of gallons of fake blood used on the film causes a minor ecological disaster in southern California.
4. The Judd Apatow gang (40 Year Old Virgin, Pineapple Express) bring you Stakey Bud, a comedy about a gang of slacker stoners who get fed up when the drug business is taken over by vampires, and decide to take back their streets for honest dealers that don’t ask “How much will you bleed for weed?”
5. The Emo trend/style is officially replaced by Vampo. Vampo bands sweep the college campuses. Hot Topic stores see record sales, although their hard-core shoppers are none-too-happy that vampire fashion has become polo shirts, khakis and loafers.
6. Jerome Corsi, Glenn Beck, and Sean Hannity all write books offering proof that Obama is a vampire, filled with absolutely indisputable, fair and balanced facts. Fear of socialism, fascism and communism is replaced by fear of vampirism among their follower-isms.
7. In response to Marvel Zombies, DC comics releases DC Vampires, which embraces the full spectrum of vampire stereotypes. Batman becomes a brooding bat-like creature who patrols the night. Superman sparkles in the yellow sun that grants him his powers (and stalks the girls at Teen Titan headquarters). Wonder Woman becomes slutty. And Aquaman – well, who cares really.
8. The vampires finally get fed up with the ruining of their image, reveal themselves to be real, and eat everyone.