You know, I forget I can’t dress myself until the Holiday Fashion Guides come out. I know them well — they feature dresses that cost three figures and close-ups of eyeshadow palettes at ludicrous angles, and remind me what I should be wearing, and what I should avoid lest I get thrown out of all those holiday parties I will apparently spend all of December attending. I read them all, just to make sure I wouldn’t show up in lime green velvet two years in a row; unfortunately, I was watching movies the whole time, and what with all the pumpkintinis I was drinking (Fall’s Hottest Drink!) I got them sort of confused.

I did my best to bring you a brief digest of these edicts, so that you won’t find yourself stranded with nothing to wear just before the party starts. So take a load off, pour yourself a pumpkintini or six, and check out Fantasy’s Guide to Holiday Fashion.

Make the Season Bright

This winter is awash in color. Take a fashion risk with an edgy evening frock that brightens up the darkest winter night. A pop of red, in the so-hot-it-hurts ombre palette, will make you the center of attention. Don’t be afraid of sashes (they define the waist), and play with silhouettes – a punky hood or ladylike sleeves help put a personal stamp on the trend, and an easy cut moves with you just in case you have to leave the party and accompany a friend as the aliens take her hostage.

Where the Boys Are

Androgyny is hot, hot, hot this holiday season. Fashion is breaking down the doors and invading the boys’ club. To get a look that’s the best of both worlds, look for simple silhouettes in dark, rich fabrics – here’s the time to make the most of your Oxford booties — and top it off with a high-collar blouse that will keep them guessing. Hair should be wild, and makeup bold — this look is not for shrinking violets! Be ready to take some jokes about it until it comes back into fashion; don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time on your hands with that immortality gig.

Wrap it Up

Baby, it’s cold outside! When the snow is falling and winter seems eternal, wrap up on cold nights in nature’s luxury: fur. It’s a timeless symbol of a well-lived life, and adds an air of aristocracy to any outfit, even jeans! Always flattering, always warm, it’s perfect for a night on the town, a battle for supremacy against all the furry creatures of your land, or a ride in an open sleigh.

Meet the Parents

If this holiday season is your first time meeting your sweetie’s family, choosing the wardrobe can be nerve-wracking. Dame Fashion advises that it’s better to be overdressed than underdressed for a nice dinner out. Don’t be afraid of a little sparkle (God knows your date won’t be — do we need to point out that blue glitter in the hair is always a Don’t?), and when it comes to color, a crisp, virginal white never hurt anyone; it’s never too early to suggest a blushing bride.

The Great Outdoors

For the woman who prefers snowball fights to city lights, you’re headed for a winter wonderland. Suit up in style with off-white ski separates that turn you into the ultimate snow bunny. This year’s low-heel boot keeps the whole look chic from the slopes to the streets, and makes it easier to run down the hall to plant one on your brother. (Note: this look is only for experienced outdoorswomen, as it will be hard for rescuers to find you in the event of attack by wampas.)

For the Kids

We know you want your little one to look angelic in your online photo album. No problem — white is right this holiday, and it’s the perfect alternative to a saccharine pink, just right to carry her through New Year’s, should the world last that long before the Nothing claims it. Pintucking details are a sweetly vintage touch, and there’s nothing like a floor-length dress to make an older girl feel like a princess capable of restoring an entire universe through the power of imagination.

For a Night at Home

Sometimes the best way to celebrate the holidays is with a party of two. Savor a night at home with your sweetie, away from the madding crowds fighting for jewelry. For the perfect post-Witch-King ensemble, nothing beats a simple white gown with miles of drape. Is Jack Frost nipping at your nose? This deep blue embroidered robe is both regal and cozy — and who knows, maybe you and your man can find ways to warm up this cold winter night…

Casual Corner

Sometimes the holiday hustle and bustle just wears you out, and you need to recharge and reconnect with all the people who make the holidays such fun. For a movie matinee (so you can be home by sundown!), keep it simple with leggings, boots, and layered tops that are as comfortable as they are cute — use red for a pop of color that keeps things festive and reminds you of the blood you must shed in your quest for vengeance… at the returns counter.

New Year’s Eve

It’s a new year, it’s a new you, it’s the perfect excuse for a new dress! Now’s the time to catch the eye of everyone in the room and bewitch the crowd – you’ll need to find a handsome demon to kiss at midnight, after all. Show off those toned shoulders you worked for all summer, and highlight that décolleté with confidence! We suggest something dark and daring, with a skirt slit high enough to dance in, and plenty of sparkle to help ring in a New Year that shines.